hobbies, a list, a blog, a new column

Hey bunions. Is that the first time I've addressed you by your chosen handle? I think it might be. Anyway, I'm in California where I'm feeling a little sorry for myself because it's my new favorite hobby right behind water yoga and archeology. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Oh yeah, if you're so into archeology then how come you never talk about going on archaeological digs?" Well first of all, some of the digs I go on are top secret and second of all, it's very hard to get internet service when you're in a gigantic ditch. Oh, look what I found here, a postcard I meant to send you from the last dig I went on. Want to know what it says? I'll transcribe it. It says:

"Hey you guys. I'm on an archaeological dig! Don't try to find me because I'm totally on a dig right now!"

See? So can we please just let it go?

Okay, so let's get to the meat of all this.

1. Dustin has a blog which he's been quietly working on but I'm sick of all this quietude. Go read his stuff! He's been reviewing films and actually watching them first. What a traitor http://www.dustingoot.blogspot.com.

2. I won five bucks in Vegas! Five clams! Five smackaroons! Five big ones! Five dollars!

3. Tobey is as cute as ever.

4. See, I thought it would be super duper fun to have a layover in Las Vegas. It really wasn't. I gambled for about ten minutes and then sat at the gate and fantasized about what I'm going to spend my winnings on. Probably a dream house and a sports car.

5. The flight from Las Vegas to Long Beach was delightful though because it was pretty empty. As much as I like people, which isn't very much, it's great when there aren't very many of them on a flight.

6. Tobey does this thing where he stands on his back legs and kind of pumps his front paws up and down in the air. He should get a job at Hot Dog on a Stick if those are still around!

7. I'm just kind of confused and a little down and just like, "What am I doing with my life and who am I and what's going on and given how freakishly gorgeous I am, am I living up to my beauty potential? When I stare into the mirror and only I stare back, is that selfish of me? Is there some way to give all the needy people in the world mirrors where when they look in, they see themselves but also me? Perhaps me giving a thumbs up sign?"

8. I imagine you probably don't understand what I'm talking about since it's very metaphysical and also something which probably only occurs to the top one point one one one point three point twelve point nine percentile of the population.

9. My parents have a great coffee maker. I'm in love with their coffee maker. I've made like thirteen cups of coffee with it in the last hour. Now I'm shaking and I think I might throw up. The coffee is that good.

10. Not really. I only had three cups.

11. And four red bulls.

12. And half of a five hour energy supplement.

13. Is my new McSweeney's column up yet? I'm going to go check.

14. It is! I totally thought it wasn't going to be! But it is: http://mcsweeneys.net/links/yourmoney/29column3.html

15. Maybe I should take a shower.

16. Nah.

17. I have some photos I should upload but I'm too lazy right now.

18. But I still love you guys.

Pics from Friday's Red Eye and other stuff

Here's where I said that I think ducklings are cute.

And then here's where I said that I used to hate bell peppers but now I like them, can you believe it?

And then here's where I said that I'm drinking coffee out of a new mug which is sort of low and wide and has polka dots on it and after I bought it I found out that it's not a coffee mug at all, it's an "ice cream mug." I'm using it for coffee anyway because I don't play by the rules.


And then here's where I said that while scientists inventing a glow in the dark puppy is somewhat cool, it's yet another example of science being out of step with public demand because have they made any progress on a time machine?

But see, I actually think I have a pretty good understanding of the significance of this transgenic dog—and it has very little to do with the fact that it glows in the dark, and everything to do with the fact that they took something from a sea anemone and put it into a dog and got it to act the same way in a dog that it does in a sea anemone (i.e. glow) and this has huge ramifications for one day doing stuff like taking the genetic material that produces my lustrous hair and putting it in a dog and then creating a dog with amazing Alison hair and then studying it. And maybe I should have talked about that instead of time travel? I just don't want people playing God with my hair though.

Oh, and when did all this G.D. business start? In my day we just said God Damn. Or Golly Gee. Or Gee Willikers. Or For Fuck's Sake.

Also, I think I'm becoming a regular at a restaurant in my neighborhood and the last time I went I mentioned to Dustin that I was considering ordering the same thing I always order (braised loafer with pennies) and maybe I should branch out and he said that I could become a "regular" ordering my "regular" and I've never been one of those! Maybe it's time? Then of course I entertained ideas of being an eccentric old lady who always comes into this restaurant and sits at a certain table and orders a certain thing and does something eccentric. What would it be though? I'd have to be small and unassuming probably, yet have contributed something notable to culture such as a series of detective novels featuring a female detective and her companion who happens to be a gecko with paranormal insight. What's that called when a witch has an animal that has powers? Her second? Her minor? Her... um... hold while I consult with my friend, the internet. Her familiar! Yes, that's what I mean.

Do I have other things to share with you at this time? Hm. On twitter I've been posting links to dogs I'm falling in love with. Here are two, however don't let that stop you from following me on twitter because I base my self-worth on my follower numbers.

Upcoming posts will include

This is one of those blog posts where I write about what I'm going to write about. Like a to do list in a post! Here's what you have to look forward to:

an explanation of why I have two of the world's ugliest digital watches

a discussion of lame air instruments (maybe)

some pictures from Red Eye

a video of Anna and me after Red Eye

videos of Dustin and me

more me me me me me

a veritable me-palooza

a picture of me in the green room of Red Eye plus some screen grabs plus clips

um, there was something else

oh yes! I figured out what kind of dog I want! it's a Bolognese. A dog covered in meat sauce!

sadly I seem to have settled on a dog which not only isn't in shelters but isn't really in America. I mean, it is, but it's a rare breed and super expensive and I'm sure there's a wait list and it's not really realistic and so I won't be getting this dog, I'll just be blogging about it. Damn you, page 47 of the AKC dog book!

it wasn't really page 47, I just made that up because I'm too lazy to go get the book and see what page this dog is on

have I discussed with you guys the way I keep moving the jokes around in my stand up set as if somehow I'm going to find the perfect formula? I'm truly fixing what isn't broken and also driving myself nuts. And when I say fixing what isn't broken that's because obviously my stand up set is perfect as is and very funny. If you were to hear it you would probably die of laughter. You would asphyxiate on hilarity. You would choke on chuckles. You would gag on guffaws. You would triangulate on titters. If you were to recover you would probably point out that triangulate on titters makes no sense but you wouldn't have a chance to recover because you'd be laughing too much.

Is there some kind of game going on? I hear game type cheers.

oh and Happy Easter!

Signs points to violence

Dustin sent me this. I had to avert my eyes because I love Magic 8 Balls too much. WHY why why would you put something you love through this? I'm reminded of the time a friend of my sister's casually asked if he could disassemble the Magic 8 Ball. It didn't go well for him. Also, everyone knows the blue fluid inside the ball is the same liquid they use to test the absorbancy of tampons! Duh. Also, is absorbancy not a word? Because it's got a squiggly red line under it suggesting it isn't. It kind of should be though.

UPDATE: I added the link and apparently absorbency is a word. Absorbancy is not.

Here's a list for you to enjoy

So many things you guys! I think this calls for a list.

1. Wendy and I chatted today and whilst chatting she posted because she's stealthy like that. She also taught me a new word: perseverate. This is a big deal because basically wherever I am I'm pretty sure I'm the smartest person in the room. It's just the way it is. Does it sound vain? It should. But Wendy has now taught me three words I didn't know so I think she might be smarter than I am. Dustin taught me one word I didn't know. I always remember where I learn words. I often forget who I sleep with though.

2. The words were perseverate, herding cats (the phrase. It's funny story because I told Wendy that I overheard someone saying working with someone was like "working with cats" and Wendy asked if the person said "herding cats" and explained that it's a phrase). The other word was... hm... something you carry people around on. Like a rickshaw but not. Apparently that one didn't take.

3. Dustin taught me the word concatenate. If I had more energy I would link to all these words but I don't. My links aren't very hyper today.

4. My McSweeney's thing is up: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/yourmoney/

5. I'm really excited about the second installment of the above column which I've already written and is apparently in the queueueueueueueue.

6. That's how you spell that word, duh!

7. I'm going to two parties tonight. TWO. Who's fancy? I am.

8. So I've been given the opportunity to be one of those comics who comments on celebrity fashion disasters in Life & Style magazine. I'm brushing off my zingers and my ripsnorters as we speak. I have to send them a headshot though. Which one should I use? Help me decide! It will be small and black & white.





9. I'd just go with the first one except an agent once told me it didn't accurately reflect my personality. It's all I can do not to post the duckling photo right here right now, by the way.

10. If there's another photo you think I should use, let me know.

11. Um, what else? Hm. Oh! Well I was working on my stand up set because I'm going to audition for a potential regular slot at a comedy club MAYBE and it turns out I'm pretty heavy on the pedophilia jokes. Who knew? Is that my niche? The super messed up twisted niche? It's so not what I expected of myself. I may have to abandon all that and instead go in the other direction: jokes about carob.

12. Oh yeah so the store I go to sells zucchini but calls it green squash and I would like to know why. Does zucchini only refer to something specific, like champagne? Does it refer to squash that comes from the zucchi region?

14. See what I did there, number wise?

15. I guess I don't have anything else to say.

Potential comment of the week

Because this is making me giggle to no end (thus proving Dustin's point), I'm nominating this comment for comment of the week but the actual decision will be made at a later date. If you guys want to nominate certain comments, go for it.

Says Ted:

"Q: Why did the fart cross the road?

A: It was stuck in the chicken's pants.

Not sure if that will be as funny tomorrow!"

Um, I'm pretty sure it will be!

Dustin and I discuss the word douche bag, fart jokes, catering to your audience and the Dane Cook dilemma

Wow, there' some intense douchebaggy letterboxing action happening here.

Pastrami, camera angles and Dustin's middle name

I decided to upload this one in HD which means it's a different size and I can see it's already going to wreak havoc on the blog. Much like those ads are. Did I mention there are ads? Click that crap, you know, if you want.

This is awesome

I watched Heathers about a million times when I was a youngster and even wrote a paper about it in college so this news is pretty exciting.

In other less exciting news, where is Dustin? How are we supposed to vlog plus go to Throwing Muses when we're only going to have time for Throwing Muses? Eh, that's ok. My face feels red anyway (I've discussed this Rudolph syndrome with you, yes? Yes.)

30 Seconds On...

Why I'm a bad photographer

Every now and then I'm forced to confront what a truly horrible photographer I am—usually when looking at pictures I took. Here is the thing, as a writer I rely on indirection. Rather than just come out and say some guy is a douche bag I would likely get at that point by noticing some offhand exchange or moment which I would then weave into the story. I tend to notice the things that other people don't notice. It's my THING. Except not always. I mean, occasionally I would start a story with "So-and-so is a gigantic douche bag." But So-and-so is the exception that proves the rule. I mean: That guy? He really is off the charts douchey.

But back to the photos. Instead of just taking a photo of the surface beauty, or even the thing I'm trying to take a photo of, I always do this thing where I try to get some kind of weird angle or weird juxtaposition or something and I imagine that it's going to magically turn into awesomeness between the reality which I'm seeing with my eyes and the alchemy of the camera. It never does. I remember taking some pictures at the beach with my sister who happens to be a really great photographer (she's shot some pics that have run alongside some of my stories) and she said, "pay attention to the light." Then she pushed me into the water and when I got out I noticed my wallet and keys were missing.

So anyway, all that is a caveat about the below horrid photos.

So, back to the story of this weekend. I woke up on Saturday wondering who the fat ass in my apartment was and upon realizing I was alone, decided to go to the gym. Then I remembered I no longer belong to a gym so I thought it might be a good day to join one. Then I decided instead, since it was a nice day out, why not jog around Brooklyn and by jog I mean walk fast except for ten feet here or there where I decide to jog? So I embarked on a three hour power walk. It was pretty awesome and now I'm even more in love with Brooklyn than I was before, not counting the years I held a Brooklyn grudge which is a detail not germane to this story.

Whilst powerwalkjogging around I listened to my semi-buddy Doug Benson's I Love Movies podcast. I recommend this if you like things that are funny involving movies that aren't Dustin and my reviews.


Here is Grand Army Plaza. I'm totally going out of order, by the way. My dad grew up right near here.

Here is the bridge over the Gowanus Canal. It's no Goldenrod footbridge, that's for sure. [update: now I'm wondering whether that's actually the canal or just Gowanus. You'd think I would know. But then you'd realize that there's no reason you should have thought I would know.]


Here's the view of lower Manhattan from the Promenade.

Here's another Promenade shot. The promenade is really beautiful—something not really captured in this shot.

Another Promenade shot.

A water taxi. You know what I don't like? Water taxis. Also, water ferries. Basically if you are relying on some kind of public transpo seafaring vessel to convey you from one place to another, I'm not into it. Do you hear me, Venice?

More Gowanus Canal.


A street in Park Slope.

Watching "The Balls File"

which is the aforementioned nightmare of a video file which I talked about yesterday and one thing is screechingly clear to me:

Dustin and I think Dustin and I are very funny.

Dustin and I Had a Little Debate About Naming

A few things

1. My computer is surrounded by a force field of inactivity which sucks me into sitting in front of it and blithely fucking around (as ever Todd, I am sorry!) and yet accomplishing very little. It's enervating. Maybe it's releasing carbon monoxide fumes? I will attach a detector to my forehead.

2. Um... I know there was something else I was going to say but see number 1.

3. Oh yes! I received a call today and my caller ID said "telemarketer." It was the single best moment I've ever experienced with caller ID and now I'm marrying caller ID and my last name will be ID. Alison Rosen ID. And I'll give birth to LCD read outs. I tried to take a picture but because of the flash it didn't come out.

Yep, you can't make it out.

Also can't make it out in this one.


And then I noticed a striking similarity between the blurry bright greenish caller ID photos and the blurry bright greenish me photo above.

And then here's a photo of a duckling.

4. I'm going to be on a radio show tomorrow around 11am ET. I'll tell you the details when I'm good and ready so just step off.

5. Just kidding. Step on!

6. Dustin and I recorded what struck both of us as an insanely awesome supersized video which is like the ghost in the machine. Is that a reference to something that fucks (sorry Todd) up your machine? Because that's what I mean. It's the shoe that the saboteurs threw into the whatever they threw shoes into. It's a sabot. Could I BE more pretentious right now with my fancy French references? [This just in, I went looking for a link about the origin of the word sabotage and apparently that story may be apocryphal. So, hmmmmmmmm.]

7. What I mean to say is that I can't get the damn thing on my computer and it's bugging the fuck (I'm not even going to say it this time) out of me. But I will persevere.

8. Except apparently not near my computer because of the aforementioned daze I'm lulled into when I get near it.

9. Sleepy. Sooooo sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy.

10. You know that scene in The Jungle Book where Mowgli is sort of hypnotized by the snake whose eyes go in circles? Am I even remembering this correctly? I'm not sure because I'm practically sleep blogging. This is like that.



11. Maybe it's the snow?

12. I got a call today. My couch is ready to be scheduled for delivery. For those who are new to my blog, well, perhaps the old timers around here can explain the significance in the comments? I'm too lazy and tired.

13. Oh and one more thing, where are my blog followers going? The number went from 111 to 104. Is it because of the koala bear?

14. Just didn't want to end on 13 even though I'm not superstitious except for sometimes.

Look, it's another 30 Seconds On...

After staying up half the night trying in vain to import* a video and failing because I don't have enough room on my hard drive I decided to go nuts and buy a 1TB external hard drive. This means I can store everything in the whole world on it, or so I've been led to believe. I'm going to start by loading puppies onto it. In other news, here is this video. I decided to leave the extraneous chatter at the beginning in here even though I suspect Dustin will think I should have edited it out because the way I see it, without it, the whole thing would just be too slick and professional seeming. We're kind of always at constant risk of that.

*from China. Weekend at Bernie's Three.

How do Dustin and I know each other?

Movie Reviews of Movies We Haven't Seen: The Oscars 2009

I fear we come off as truly horrible people in this one... Dustin started it!

"If we had lives, what might we be doing?"

It's almost like in posing this question Dustin was suggesting we DON'T have fascinating fabulous lives. I can't speak for him. He's a sad man who loves oatmeal*, a sad man who loves oatmeal who's also out of town so I don't think he's going to see this for a little while, hence I can refer to him as a sad man who loves oatmeal when perhaps that's not fair, but I am very fabulous and fascinating and I'm currently living three lives that's how many lives I've packed into my one life. You know?



*Oh my motherfucking fuck I just spent one whole lifetime trying to find the myriad blog entries I'd written on the Time Out New York blog about Dustin and his oatmeal when we both worked at there, including a bit of genius when he cheated on his oatmeal with a box of poptarts (I believe it was titled "Who Cries For The Oatmeal?") but for the life of me I can't find them. I can't even find the blog.

Books Reviews of Books We Haven't Read: Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers

I'd like to give a big shoutout to everyone who offered ideas for what these types of segments could be, especially Anna David who is magical and can push tears out of her tear ducts.

She and I will return to jointly vlogging soon. I mean, no offense, Dustin.

No really!

Wait, come back! DUSTIN, come back! That came out wrong!

This is what happened after The 404

This grainy video was shot with my BlackBerry as opposed to the Flip cameras which both Dustin and Anna have because they're fancy. Why am I not fancy, you ask? I don't know. It's not for lack of trying. Anywhoozle, after I did The 404 today the guys asked me to record a couple greetings and sign their wall and pose for some photos and take my clothes off. I thought the clothes thing was kind of weird, but I'm a good sport and they assured me this is what they always do and it's what Steve Guttenberg will be doing on Friday and stuff. Then Natali Del Conte told me the guys had crushes on me and then I tried to film this crappy little video but they kept talking about their man crush on Clayton Morris. I'm sorry, why weren't we talking about me again? I'm still baffled.