Saturday, April 05, 2008

The Goldenrod Footbridge

I used to live in Corona del Mar, California. In fact, I called it home for untold millions of years, so it's quite a surprise then that I'd never been acquainted with the quaint charms of the Goldenrod Footbridge, pictured here:

It dates back to 1928, cost a mere $10, 229 (or something like that) and it's made entirely of feet. As such, the smell is, shall we say, intense, especially in the summer, but still, you don't have to be some kind of bridge-o-philiac to realize that painting bloody feet stumps to make them look like concrete and flowers is pretty amazing. In fact, I first thought the bridge was made of just that—concrete and flowers—until I read the sign. Embarrassment City, Population: Me!

Now I'm pretty sure I know what you're thinking: What did they do with all the shoes? (That's what you were thinking, right?) They probably gave them to charity or used them to make footprints in the sand to fool people into thinking God was carrying them. That's what I'd do, and one thing I've learned in my 21 years on God's green earth is that I'm not that unusual or special and there's nothing new under the sun. Even if you were to take all the legs from the stumps and toss in the shoelaces and make some kind of stew or goulash and then put it in cans and sell it? Already been thought of! (Probably)

But a bridge made of feet? I wouldn't have thought of that. Guess that's why I'm an astronaut and also a doctor of Western medicine but a practitioner of Eastern, and not a civil engineer.

I get invited to their functions often—I mean, we travel in the same circles and they rely on my findings and general analytical acuity for things like blueprinting, drafting and Friday night trivia.

But have I actually built bridges before or designed anything on CAD software? I'd have to say no.

I'd say it while assuming the lotus position and drinking green tea but also wearing a stethoscope under my spacesuit. It's just how I roll.

Should you ever be lucky enough to visit me in the flesh--that is, if I'm not in outer space--I'd probably offer you freeze dried ice cream because we astronauts get it by the barrel full. Actually, it's kind of inconvenient to try to get it out of the barrel in outer space because it just starts floating away and then your spaceship mom (each spaceship is assigned a 'spaceship mom' who acts as a den mother of sorts) gets mad at you for space littering. It's like, get off my back, spaceship mom! Don't tell me how to orbit!


SpiffyRaccoon said...

When I read the comment about your 21 years on God's green Earth, I was just about to ask you what planet you were on the other decade or so, but I guess you were actually on that spaceship. Is it true that when you've been in space for a long time you need to put everything in the blender before you eat even hamburgers and fries?

Anonymous said...

Quote of the "300 feet Stumps" Bridge:

Spartan King Leonidas: Spartans! Ready your words and type hearty... For tonight, we blog like hell!!!!

Joe said...

Very nice. You had my mouth watering at "take all the legs from the stumps and toss in the shoelaces and make some kind of stew or goulash" That entree is on the menu at several restaurants here. The pricier ones, of course.

That's a beautiful bridge. Strange name though - Goldenrod Bridge. Are a lot of people allergic to it? Many bridges really are made of feet - that's why the parts that go in the ground are called footings. At least that's what my good friend Peg-Leg told me.

I'm enjoying Page 6 magazine right now. Very nice Block Watch copy! Isn't that what you people (meaning Senior Editors) call the written part of an article - copy? See, I really am (barely) smarter than a 6th grader. My mouth is watering (again) at the photo of the Shangrila Express - "Home of Quality Himalayan food." That's the slogan from their web site - On the site it says, "we strive to offer the best of
taste from the Himalayas." I never realized the Himalayas HAD a taste. Silly me!

On this week's discussion page, I must disagree with Annie Karni on the following: "Exhaling buses, screaming sirens, a chorus of car honks and the accompanying 'f--k you's' - they're the sounds of a vibrant city." No, no, no... it's the bums stumbling out of bars at 4 a.m., the cops beating up pushers with night-sticks in back alleys and muggers greeting unsuspecting tourists in Central Park. Now THAT'S the sound of a vibrant city!

The picture of the Blue Whale at the Natural History Museum brought back fond memories of my 8th grade class trip.

The best part - the NY Post only cost me $1.25 this morning instead of the usual $1.50. Do you realize what that means?

1. The overnight clerk at the convenience store will be looking for a new job soon.

2. I'm walking around with a little more cash in my pocket. Sweet! I may just go pick me up some leg stump and shoelace stew. Oh yeah - life is good!

Joe said...

Watching "Revenge of the Sith" for the umpteenth time. It's either that or Geraldo.

Someone put together a list of Star Wars quotes, substituting the word "pants" in certain places. Pretty funny:

1.A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

2.You are unwise to lower your pants.

3.We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

4.She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to
retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

5.These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

6.I find your lack of pants disturbing.

7.These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

8.Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

9.General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.

10.I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

11.TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?

12.Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

13.Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

14.You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.

15.Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off.

16.Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

17.That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

18.Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

19.Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

20.Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for your sister!

21.Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

22.Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.

23.Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.

24.I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.

25.You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.

Ted from Accounting said...

"Spartans! Ready your words and type hearty... For tonight, we blog like hell!!!!"


Now that was funny Anonymous!

Alison do you have any video of someone wearing loin cloths saying "This is Costa Mesa" and kicking a foreigner over the edge of the bridge?

bradleyejones said...

I couldn't read the article because I couldn't stop giggling about goldenrod I kept thinking of a porn spin off of goldfinger..

Anonymous said...

There's just no way to follow that one up. I've been handcuffed. Metaphysically speaking of course. Is that the right word? Who cares.
I'm just gonna list my tracks for the day and get up outta here.

01) Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz.

02) Rebirth of Slick - Digable Planets.

03) Take a picture - Filter.

04) Twilight Zone - Golden Earring.

05) Cumbersome - Seven Mary Three.

06) Tough Guy - The Crystal Method.


P.S. Shout out to Alison's folks and Tobey of course.

Sweet said...

With a name like Goldenrod Bridge, I would have thought it was made of other, more crotchitally located, body parts

Anonymous said...

Is that in someone's backyard? It's kinda neeto. Where does the bridge go? John Wayne Airport?


Anonymous said...

In the spirit of new inventions. This is a good time to introduce my "invention of the month." Granted, this one is kinda silly, but what ideas these days aren't? Okay, here goes: Have a plastic type straw looking thingie that at the end has a clip device that you can slide a potato chip in it so that you can dip your chip into those tall glass dipping whatchamacalits. Yes, you could just as well spoon out the dip into a bowl, but who wants another dish to wash? Also, it would reduce the cheese residue on your fingers. I'll call it the chip dipper. This may have been thought of already, but it's unbeknownst to me.


Joe said...


It's been 4 days since Alison Rosen was last spotted traveling south on US 5 toward Mexico in a late model SUV.

Homeland Security has been notified that she may try to cross the border at any time. She's believed to have a small dog with her who answers to the name of "Tobey". Ms. Rosen should be considered funny and attractive. Approach with extreme caution. Anyone with information is encouraged to contact their local FBI office immediately.

Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff told the NY Post this morning, "We'll find her - it's only a matter of time. All border officials have been notified and they are on full alert. She can run, but she can't hide."

Ted from Accounting said...

Um, let's see! I got up this morning...ran...checked email...decided on lunch...darn, I'm missing something on my routine...what is it? Oh, yes, I remember, Alison Rosen hasn't posted any words of wisdom lately! We miss you! Hope you haven't forsaken your bloggers again! Also, if I recall when I was absent for a bit, you pulled the "mother hen" guilt trip syndrome on me! I'm sure your remodeling a kitchen or have some good excuse like that. :)

Return to us all mighty blog leader! We are like baby birds with our mouths open for your regurgitated words of wisdom (Ok, I stole that line from you).

Hey Joe, I heard there is a slow speed Bronco chase on the freeway maybe they found her!

Ted from Accounting said...

and another thing...I caught Red Eye last night and they had some girl who tried to do some body language routine and it totally sucked! I couldn't stand to watch that girl (forgot her name). That is totally a Rosen Routine! If it were the world according to Ted B. Goodlove, everything would flow smooth! I'll get my people on the phones and have this body language impostor banned from the show! Can I get a high five on that one fellas?

Joe said...

Ted, her name is Janine Driver and they've had her on twice in the last week. I agree with you - she's not that great.

** Update on the search for Alison Rosen **

Ms. Rosen was spotted this afternoon traveling east on Highway 8 near the town of Lakeside. Police set up multiple roadblocks, but Ms. Rosen was able to evade them - at times approaching speeds of 180 mph.

At one point she ran over a series of spike strips, but incredibly she was able to stop and change all four tires before police were able to close in.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has requested additional assistance from the National Guard to help in the search. The governor was overheard instructing the men saying, "We move, five meter spread, no sound."