Photos I found on my mom's computer

More photos of me? If you insist. I was on my mom's computer looking for porn (note: not looking for porn) when I found these photos that I must have put on there when they were emailed to me and I was using her computer and etcetera. Plus, since Anna David posted on the Activity Pit that she wasn't afraid to trot out some Alison Rosen material and then Joe asked for some baby pictures I thought I might beat them to the punch. Not that they actually have access to my baby photos, but you know. So, shall we?


Here I am taking a nap before the dawn of color photography. This actually is a daguerreotype.


And here I am wearing a bandanna on my head after a hard day of child labor. Also, my older brothers enjoyed dressing me up in ridiculous get ups and I'm thinking this was one of them.


Here I am hanging out with my older brother Josh. He's so totally imitating me here but that's Josh, always trying to do what I do.



Here I am many years later playing in The Angoras. Yes, I know my legs look fat here.


Here I am being tuff with the band, hanging out on a car. That's the kind of outlaw shit we did in OC. We didn't even play instruments, just hung out on fully-hotrodded titz rides. In fact, I'm surprised there aren't any flames on the side of this vehicle. There's very unusual.



Here we are on tour after I'd clearly made some kind of hugely embarrassing admission.

See how tuff we were? By the way, if you own this cassette it's totally worth the cost of a used cassette right now.


Here I am holding a baby. Come and get it quick men, I think I just ovulated. Oh and if you happen to click on this photo let me say right now that I don't know what's up with my eyebrow. I must have shaved it like that in prison. [update: maybe this isn't the photo but there's a photo of me like this where it looks like there's a Vanilla Ice-style notch missing from my eyebrow, hence the explanation. The unnecessary explanation.]


And here's my sister and me just hanging out. This was probably the last time I had a tan and wore a tank top. Actually, I'll have you know that's not just any tank top, it's Wonder Woman Underoos.

Broccoli Spears

At the grocery store earlier, which was a certain kind of hell, I once again cracked up when I saw a box of broccoli spears in the frozen aisle. Have I already written about this? See, I see the broccoli spears and then I imagine a spoof of Britney Spears where a character says her name is Broccoli Spears and then I laugh. It gets me every time. Also, it's why I'm single.

The Goldenrod Footbridge

I used to live in Corona del Mar, California. In fact, I called it home for untold millions of years, so it's quite a surprise then that I'd never been acquainted with the quaint charms of the Goldenrod Footbridge, pictured here:

It dates back to 1928, cost a mere $10, 229 (or something like that) and it's made entirely of feet. As such, the smell is, shall we say, intense, especially in the summer, but still, you don't have to be some kind of bridge-o-philiac to realize that painting bloody feet stumps to make them look like concrete and flowers is pretty amazing. In fact, I first thought the bridge was made of just that—concrete and flowers—until I read the sign. Embarrassment City, Population: Me!

Now I'm pretty sure I know what you're thinking: What did they do with all the shoes? (That's what you were thinking, right?) They probably gave them to charity or used them to make footprints in the sand to fool people into thinking God was carrying them. That's what I'd do, and one thing I've learned in my 21 years on God's green earth is that I'm not that unusual or special and there's nothing new under the sun. Even if you were to take all the legs from the stumps and toss in the shoelaces and make some kind of stew or goulash and then put it in cans and sell it? Already been thought of! (Probably)

But a bridge made of feet? I wouldn't have thought of that. Guess that's why I'm an astronaut and also a doctor of Western medicine but a practitioner of Eastern, and not a civil engineer.

I get invited to their functions often—I mean, we travel in the same circles and they rely on my findings and general analytical acuity for things like blueprinting, drafting and Friday night trivia.

But have I actually built bridges before or designed anything on CAD software? I'd have to say no.

I'd say it while assuming the lotus position and drinking green tea but also wearing a stethoscope under my spacesuit. It's just how I roll.

Should you ever be lucky enough to visit me in the flesh--that is, if I'm not in outer space--I'd probably offer you freeze dried ice cream because we astronauts get it by the barrel full. Actually, it's kind of inconvenient to try to get it out of the barrel in outer space because it just starts floating away and then your spaceship mom (each spaceship is assigned a 'spaceship mom' who acts as a den mother of sorts) gets mad at you for space littering. It's like, get off my back, spaceship mom! Don't tell me how to orbit!