Here's me on Geraldo

Thanks to Joe McDonald for making this so fast that I'm pretty sure he had made it before I even appeared on the show. If I'd known I could have watched ahead of time to hear what I had to say.

See me on Geraldo on Sunday between 10pm and 11pm ET

Oh, like you were really going to watch the Oscars anyway? I'll be on Geraldo talking about OctoMom. I'm going to whelp 10 kids of my own by Sunday night, by the way, so that I can be DecaMom. Or maybe I'll have six and be HexaMom. I could go on, if I knew more number words. TetraMom?

Not to be a total girl...

but I just shed a few tears... because I felt overwhelmed! And misunderstood! And get this, not because I'm overwhelmed with work, because I am, but overwhelmed with having to wrap presents.

I mean really.

And speaking of female matters, as someone who possesses ovaries and a television set I felt it my duty to attempt to watch Grey's Anatomy last night. I say attempt because I had trouble caring. I mean, the scene where they had to apply constant pressure (i.e. hug) the Asperger's doctor? Give me a break. And then the scene where ... OH SPOILER ALERT... I should have said that earlier. Sorry. Anyway the scene where Yang hugs the war doctor even though he's saying no and freaking out? You really can't hug the unwilling. I mean, sometimes you can, but more often you can't. Ducklings though, you can soothe by making a little nest with your hands and holding them tight and they'll relax and fall asleep. Full grown human beings are harder to fit in your hands, I find.

Also, I have many thoughts about The Real World. Perhaps I will share them. But not now.

Part two of this morning's segment on The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet

Part one of this morning's segment on The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet

Where to see me on TV. Also, when to see me on TV.

Greetings my little yule logs,

I think this might be a repeat of info you already have. But anyway...

Just a note to say I'll be on Red Eye tonight. So will Jim Norton. Please watch or else Jim will cry. (Red Eye, Fox News Channel, 3am EST, check local listings. This is on Thursday night/Friday morning.)

And then tomorrow morning (Friday morning) I'll be on The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet talking about how to look ten pounds slimmer for your holiday party. Tip number 1: stand next to a fat person. (OK so that's not actually one of the tips. It's just good thinking.)

(Check local listings for Morning Show with Mike & Juliet. It's on from 9am to 10am in New York on channel 5. You can check local listings here: http://www.mandjshow.com/about-the-show/)

Hope you're staying warm unless you're in a warm place and then hope you're staying cool. I guess what I'm really saying is that I hope your holidays are room temperature.

Alison

I'll be on The Strategy Room tomorrow at 3pm

I'm doing The Strategy Room tomorrow at 3pm. It's funny because I'm terrible at sports. (It's a sports show, right?)

You can watch it here tomorrow at 3pm http://www.foxnews.com/strategyroom/

Just kidding, it's not about sports. It's about board games.

I'm packing again

I'm packing again to go back to New York in the morning. I finally felt well enough tonight to leave the hotel after shooting. You're welcome, Toronto. About the show: It's called Switch and it'll be airing on TVTropolis in Canada. Hopefully it'll also air in the US at some point after that. If not, I expect you all to take a trip to Canada to see the episodes I'm on.

Furniture frottage

So I think maybe it gets worse before it gets better because while I feel much saner about the couch these days—meaning I feel like eh, it's a couch, there are a lot of different colors I could be happy/unhappy with—I will admit that yesterday one of the sales guys at Crate and Barrel caught me surreptitiously lean down and then rub my face against a couch cushion. I had to see how it would feel if I were napping on it! It was a nap test!

But perhaps the way I did it, as if I wanted to get a better look at something and then oops, lost my balance! I seem to have fallen forward and landed on my cheek, I better just sweep to the right before getting up—wasn't the coolest. And then when the guy looked at me across the store, and he had this expression of horror on his face, I shot him a steely "let's not tell anyone about this," look. It's ok though, because I caught him making a huge furniture faux pas a couple weeks ago. He told me two couches were made by the same manufacturer when they so are not.

You see, I could sell that store's furniture, that's how intimately acquainted I am with each line and each collection and each manufacturer and each couch's cheek feel.

Tomorrow I go to LA for MINI. Then I'm in Orange County for Thanksgiving and my dad's bday (all his kids and their spouses and kids are coming! I'm bringing three husbands, four kids and a turtle) and then I'm going to Canada to film six episodes of a TV show. I'm not sure which one yet but if I had my choice it would be "You Can't Do That On Television."

That's not true. It would be Facts of Life. I don't care that it wasn't filmed in Canada. But I actually do know which show. I just don't want to tell you because I like to keep secrets from you. It makes me feel important. You know, like I'm on the inside of something and you're on the outside of it, pressing your face against the glass—or the couch cushion of my heart—begging to be let in. Look, here we are, all of us on this side of the couch cushion having a jolly time and totally knowing the name of the TV show and laughing and saying "aboot" when we mean "about" and paying in dollars that are called dollars but are different! And there you are, alone and confused, wishing you could be included, mumbling something about maple. It's so sad.

Bio channel whatnot

So I got an email from Bill Schulz's brother Alfred saying he saw me in a commercial for an upcoming Adam Sandler Biography on the Biography channel. This makes me think this Biography will be airing soon, as that's how commercials tend to work. For example, that commercial about Zyrtec with that woman who says "You know that song, Time in a Bottle? Well I got it..." and then it you think it's going to be a commercial about hair dye or something which makes much more sense than allergy medication? I mean, I take Allegra on occasion and I've never been like "Holy fuck! What will I do with these extra three hours that I used to devote to sneezing?" Well that commercial means Zyrtec will air soon.

Ok, that was forced and not that funny. Can we go back to how I always want that commercial to be about hair dye because if it covered gray at least it would make sense that it gives you "time in a bottle"? But allergy medicine? I just don't get it.

Anyway, that wasn't the point. The point is that I taped Bios for Adam Sandler, Shannon Doherty, Mr. T, The Wahlbergs and one more. Who was it? Hm. Dammit I forget. Maybe if I pop some antihistamines I can go back in time and find out.

Ok, back to the commercial. If your bottle of Zyrtec contained a digital watch tucked into the bottle? That would be time in a bottle. Or if it had a sprig of thyme, even that I could allow. Plus, I bet Zyrtec is in a blister pack anyway, which is a disgusting name.

So keep your eyes peeled for those Biographies. I have no idea how they're going to chyron me (that's that little thingerdoodle with the words that says your name and where you're from.) I don't recall them asking me. It could be an exciting surprise.

I've made a bold decision

I've made a bold decision and I'm not even drunk. I'm going to forgo some of the TV makeup tomorrow. I mean, I've always felt any makeup at all on this dewy young face of mine is gilding the lily, in fact I used to so frequently refer to it like that that when I would duck into the bathroom at Time Out New York before going on TV my coworker Ethan would say, "Are you gilding the lily?"

I mean, I'm still going to apply the individual fake eyelashes to the outer corners of my lids and I'm still going to pinch my cheeks for a rosy glow. And yes, I'm still going to burn a cork over the spit and then rub the soot around my eyes to make them stand out more and I'll probably crush up some bugs and rub them on my lips and soak onions in a bowl overnight and then make soup but I'm not going to use the TV foundation, so if I appear to be a freckly mess, that's why.

Not that I really have that many freckles though. In fact my complexion is somewhere between perfect and flawless, but who knows what could happen on the walk from the train to the paltalk office. For all we know I could sprout freckles. Can you say for sure that it won't happen? I didn't think so.

Hollywood Wrap segment from The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet

Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, politics panel, part 2

Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, politics panel, part 1

I just spray tanned my feet

I did, it's true, I couldn't help it. I mean, I could have. I could easily not have put down a paper towel on the floor of my shower and gone to town on these pale dogs here but—wait, am I the kind of person who refers to my fluorescent feet as "pale dogs"? I don't think so—but anyway, I could have easily not, it's true. However I fear a swath of translucent foot may appear onscreen tomorrow and I don't want to be accidentally sending Morse code. At the same time I don't want to look like someone shoved two carrots out the ends of my pant legs, even though that would be kind of harvesty and seasonally appropriate. If this spray tan experiment goes horribly awry that's what I'm going to say: "Hello, I'm here to talk about politics and entertainment. I dyed my feet pumpkin orange for the occasion. Boo!" Although now it occurs to me that I could just have said my feet were dressed as ghosts and that's why they're so white and "boo!" Dammit!

How I feel about teleprompters and blackberries

I was doing a segment a couple weeks ago and I didn't think I needed the teleprompter because I had memorized what I was going to say (it wasn't a conversational thing, it was something where I needed to stick to the script and say the lines in a certain amount of time) and so I asked if I could try it first without the teleprompter. In general, I think producers prefer is you use a teleprompter because it's easier for them to follow along and time things out. So anyway, I tried it and messed up and then admitted that I needed the teleprompter and as I was doing it I had this weird sense of resignation/defeat in a science fiction way, I think because I was trading a certain amount of autonomy for efficiency.

Using a teleprompter well is a skill though, sort of like being able to see the image in those 3-D posters. You have to be able to read without looking like you're reading. Actually, I'd say it's the second part of a two part skill set. The first is to be able to talk to the camera as if the camera is a person, because if you talk to the camera as if it's a camera, you get this weird creeped out look on your face and it's uncomfortable all around. I think I've mastered that as I can talk to any inanimate object. Sometimes they talk back.

So back to the teleprompter though, I think you can easily begin to depend on it, or ... you know what? This whole thing is a long roundabout way of saying that my blackberry is messed up right now and I can't receive email on it and even though I am sitting at the computer, where I can receive email, I still feel deeply unsettled and can't think straight till this is resolved. And I had many metaphors and twists and turns and ways of getting from the teleprompter to the blackberry perhaps stopping off to discuss dialysis and this whole thing was heading in cyborgian science fictiony direction but I have no time for florid language or fancy theory or even metaphors because Tasha at Verizon is supposed to call me back.

Is there something wrong with your television?

Is it that there's not enough me on it? I think that's it. No really, I'm pretty sure of it. In fact, I don't even know why you're watching it right now. If I were you, I'd just put plants on it.

But I think I'll be on the Morning Show with Mike and Juliet on Monday, which is awesome... for you.

In other news I bought a lint roller that smells like Bounce! I've never been so excited to remove lint from my garments! I almost want to get a cat just so I have more to pick up!

Not really. I wouldn't go that far.

My two cents

Yeah, but...

Right, but...

But I...

But I think it's that...

Okay seriously...

Nevermind...

No, it's cool...

Really...

I like shiny objects!

Okay fine, that's not a fair assessment of last night. I got some words in both edgewise and horizontally. Five across? How do words enter when they aren't edgewise? On rails? On skates? By carrier pigeon? Anyway, my words totally got all up in that shit.

Friday's Good Day New York segment

Watch me talk about fashion, won't you. And beware, sound problems near the end!

That thing I mentioned I'm hosting

Fresh from moving, smelling like dust and packing tape, perhaps wearing a get-up I fashioned out of cardboard boxes and bubble wrap, I'll be hosting video coverage of the MINI Rooftop NYC. I'm pretty excited, though this festival is hipper than I am. I actually brought that up to the festival people, but I think they liked that. I bring a certain... head full of split ends to the whole affair, provided I don't get a haircut before it starts. The page I linked to is where the videos will go up, I think, but if there's another link I'll provide that.