Delightfully dark picture of Anna, me and Natali

Brighter photos to come.

Oh and last night Natali got recognized by someone which I didn't think much of because she's all over the place but then it turned out he'd specifically recognized her from Red Eye and upon hearing this—or rather upon Anna telling me this was what was going on—I tried my best to dangle my very memorable and arguably exquisite face in his sight line. I mean, I all but sat in his lap. But Anna Who Could See The Conversation And Make Out What He Was Saying told me that evidently he'd only seen one episode... featuring Natali.

It's cool though because I recognized myself and made a big to-do until finally I had to have one of my handlers tell me to cool it because I was freaking out "the talent," which is how I refer to myself to myself.

Shuffling/Riffling update

How's it coming with the cards, you are likely wondering? Well yesterday I tried to shuffle and it's as if the thing on the end of my arm has been replaced with a dishrag. My shuffling fingers don't work. I merely kind of threw the cards into my other dish towel and then looked at my useless hand-type-thing and said "ouch!"

Maybe my hand needs to juice? I don't care if my testicles shrink.

Anyway, I haven't yet tried today because I'm afraid but I'm sure at some point I will. Okay, I'm impatient. That point is now:

I'm sorry, did someone replace this deck of 52 cards with 85 cards? That's not very nice. Whoever slipped a deck of Old Maid into my regular deck better fess up.

Bad news: Today is worse than yesterday.

I need some kind of magic guardian angel to appear in my living room in a poof of smoke.

Now look out, because I'm going to drop a name: Harry Blackstone, Jr. He was my dad's best friend and my family often spent the holidays with his and he was the first person who changed my diaper I'm told. And no, he didn't do any magic tricks with it. His daughter is the one who told me it was called The Russian Shuffle. Once he brought out a deck of cards and showed me a few things. I can't remember what they were, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing nothing similar. What was my point? Oh yes, I knew Harry Blackstone and you didn't. Also, my hand is useless and smells like cards.

When it comes to social interactions

When it comes to social interactions I prefer to have them with a mic in my hand or a camera in my face. Tonight I mixed with people unknown to me without all that though. Just me, my bongos and a bottle of Wild Turkey. Minus the bongos and Wild Turkey.

I went to a party with Red Eye pal John Roy where I met a guy (funny comedian Pete Holmes) who draws actual cartoons for the New Yorker. I got all excited and tried to explain that I draw fake cartoons for the New Yorker but I don't draw them, I just think them up, and I never send them in because it's not about that. I think he was suitably impressed. Then I mentioned that some of my fans have actually drawn them but what I really meant to say was, "Did I mention I have fans?"

And then I had a horribly awkward exchange with a woman by the crudite, but it's late and I'm too tired to write it out. Perhaps tomorrow, my dears. It involves slippery bell peppers and tongs.

Obama was in my dream

First we were hanging out in my parents' room in the house I grew up in but I worried we'd be bothering my parents so I suggested we go to my room. On the way there I passed my mom and said, "Just hanging out with my presidential friend." Later Obama asked me for money and then took out a little notepad with tons of scribbling on it. I asked what the money was for and he said it was for Christmas—apparently he had to buy gifts. I said I was surprised, I expected he would say he needed it for the campaign. Then we laughed.

Completely unrelated, doesn't "The Preakness" sound like some kind of disease?

Wanting to worship me and needing an online place to do it?

I bet you were. Well the awesome people at The Activity Pit made a fan group for me! This is officially my first online fan group! Sure, there's been quite a bit of online chatter about me and yes, I am inundated with emails and comments and okay, perhaps it's hard for me to go outside because I am mobbed by people who just want a piece of me because they think they know me even if they don't—it's just that I have that kind of effect on them—but this is the first online fan group and I don't know what to say except I swear that I had no hand in this. Truly! So for all you people that think I suck it, now YOU can suck it because I have an online fan group and I'm fairly sure that you don't, la la la!

Wait, was that obnoxious? Also, I'd like to thank Jesus Christ and my mom and my agent and my agent's mom and Chad Lowe.

In a word, this experience has been "humbling." Also, it's making me cocky.

What It's Like When a Big Celebrity Visits The Gym

Some people are probably wondering if the fame is going to my head so I'm writing the following to assure you that I'm exactly the same as before. I still have my assistant put on my pants one leg at a time.

What It's Like When A Big Celebrity Visits The Gym

So I'm at the gym right now, working on my already amazing physique (just calling it as I see it because it's humbling to be honest and it keeps me grounded to remember where I came from: an above average background in every sense, again just having the courage to be honest). People are being really cool and not mobbing me. In fact they respect me so much, which I really appreciate, that they aren't even acting like they recognize me at all from my many accomplishments in a number of areas which I would detail for you here but I don't want you to think I'm bragging.

I mean, here is the thing, when you are possessing as many natural talents as I am you really learn quickly that you have to be careful to come across as humble, like by reminding people you're humble, because otherwise you run the risk of people thinking you believe your own hype (even if its true as it is in my case), which brings me back to my point about how I really have the best fans because they're just letting me work on my award-winning body in peace. I don't even hear any whispering.

Actually, when I took a cell phone call on the treadmill earlier people were whispering because they probably recognized my voice from my extensive voiceover work in feature films and commercials. Well actually I guess I should say that I didn't take a call, I placed one, to my manager, calling her back. Or rather following up on a call I'd placed earlier. To someone I want to be my manager. About getting some voiceover work. Have you heard my voice? If you were anywhere in the vicinity of the gym when I fell off the treadmill because I got distracted when I was dialing, you probably did. And thank you for looking the other way. Yes I could have used a hand getting back up, and a band-aid (the bleeding wasn't profuse, a few stitches and I was as good as new) but I can see where you would be afraid to approach a big celebrity who has injured herself because you don't want to embarrass her. But honey it takes worse things than that to embarrass me.

I remember when I had a role as 'atmosphere' (but atmosphere that was super important to moving the plot line forward. In fact the director told me that I was like the best he'd ever seen at looking like I was actually in a restaurant drinking a cappuccino) in a big Hollywood blockbuster and my pants fell off, okay yes I actually took them off, it's a long story but I've been to rehab since which was also humbling and I'm hoping to publish my courageous tale of courage and bravery in the face of being humbled and then maybe a reality show, who knows!!!! :)

So where was I? Oh yeah, I was saying that when famous people like me and brit and linds and my good friend scarlett who sent me an email earlier today (asking me to stop emailing her, I assume because she wants me to just call) go out in public to premieres or awards shows or the gym, it can be really tough because we get mobbed so that's why I feel fortunate that people are just treating me like a 'regular person' (sounds so gay to say that!!!! Right?' LOL ;) wait not gay bad! :) don't you put words in my mouth! okay and anyway—

Okay I seem to have fallen again. Don't worry, I'm okay. Thank you for not drawing attention. It's humbling. It kinds of hurts though. Does anyone know if legs are supposed to bend this way? Anyone? Hello? A celebrity needs help here!

(Note to my parents who sometimes worry: I am actually at the gym. I didn't really fall. The above is satire. This disclaimer is humbling.)
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Harvey Keitel enjoyed me

That's what he said after I interviewed him today.

Five Things

Awhile ago my friend Rhett Reese who created the brilliant reality show parody The Joe Schmo Show taught me the "3 truths and a lie" game where you tell someone four things about yourself and they have to guess which one is made up. I was terrible at this game as I'm both gullible and a bad liar. But that shan't stop us from playing it now, blog readers! Perhaps this will even be a recurring blog thingie! You love thingies!

Okay, here are five things you don't know about me. You find the one that isn't true:

a) I can believe it's not butter, but I don't care

b) I'm clumsy

c) I had pet ducks growing up

d) I always preferred Judy Blume to Beverly Cleary

e) I'm a civil war hero