I had an argument with an egg

Being freelance affords you plenty of time to be sure you're going nuts. I devote a small portion of each day to said endeavor, but sometimes the realization creeps up on you unannounced, such as when you find yourself having an argument with an egg.

Asshole

See, what happened is I was making my famous meringues which I've written about before. To make these you must separate the egg whites from the yolks and I recently started using an egg separator which is amazing and I recommend you all head out and buy one or just steal one from your sister which is what I did.

Egg Separator

So I crack the egg—one handed because I'm fancy—into the egg separator and then jiggle it to let all the egg white drip into the bowl. Big blobs of egg white are clinging to the yolk though and just hanging there despite my incessant jiggling. At this point I actually say, with a lot of anger behind it: "Oh come on you viscous piece of shit!"

It was strange and came out of nowhere, though, I mean, the egg totally had it coming.

Yeah that's right. You go back to your egg house and think about what you've done.

How I end up with stuff I don't want

A cup of something I didn't want

I have a problem where I go along with stuff I don't want which I think is why occasionally I have the recurring dream that I'm about to get married when I suddenly come to my senses and think, "Wait! I never wanted to marry this person! I was just going along with it as a joke and also because I wanted to experience what it would feel like to act as if I was going to get married!" And then in the dream I wonder how I let it go that far without realizing that this was the trial run, not the real deal. Then I realize I'm not wearing any pants and I have to take a test that day but the test is in Portuguese and I'm having a conversation with a puppy. Not really on those last three things. Remind me sometime to tell you about the other recurring dream I used to have which I had for years and years.

But ANYWAY, sometimes I not only go along with things I don't want but actually select them. This morning I was going to get coffee at the little store I go to. I have an off and on relationship with flavored coffee and I'm currently in the heady throes of on. I sidled up to the French Vanilla spigot and lo and behold they didn't have French Vanilla they had Hazelnut which was definitely not what I wanted. Could I get behind the filbert invasion?

Here to ruin your morning

Hm... I thought to myself, holding up the line. Hm... I thought some more. HM... I kept thinking while people loudly cursed me. Then I whipped out my cell phone to call a friend to get another opinion. Not about coffee but just about stuff. Then I made a list of pros and cons. Then I meditated. Then night fell and I dozed off. Then I woke up and went for the Hazelnut and only a splash came out. "It's a sign!" I didn't think to myself. The only other coffee was decaf. Did I want decaf? No! I specifically wanted caffeine and plus I could kind of tell that this was decaf that was going to taste weirdly syrupy. It was a headache in a cup. A headache with a splash of hazelnut dregs. A hazelnutache. (Not to be confused with what that word kind of looks like which is hazelnutstache which would be a mustache made of hazelnuts. God how I wish there was a picture of that.) And really, I could easily have just tossed the cup in the trash and been on my way but instead I poured the cup of decaf and then drank it and it was everything I expected it to be.

"Why did I do this to myself?" I wondered, while sipping the gross coffee and thinking about the various things in life I've selected for myself that I knew weren't what I really wanted. To wit:

My last car
The gray-brown couch which thankfully I no longer own
My amp except that doesn't quite count because I didn't really know what I was buying at the time and needed an amp and etc.
The last apartment I lived in but also I'm not sure that counts
I feel like there are more.

Answer? I don't really know.

Oh! Also at one point I was choosing between a job I really wanted and which I had good reason to think I would get versus one that had been offered to me and I chose the one that was offered to me because I was afraid to roll the dice and end up with nothing. I don't know that that counts though because I could have ended up with nothing and then I'd be sitting here writing about how that was a mistake and etc. Plus the less desired job ultimately led to television, so perhaps this tangent doesn't belong here. You are unwanted, tangent! Oh wait, now I'm thinking of another job type situation that would maybe fall in this category. But again, I think jobs don't count because mostly you just work because you have to and because you need money and because it's better to be working than not. To really love what you do is an amazing luxury. Also, it's precious. But not precious like pretentious. Just precious like rare and valuable. Like every word that falls from my lips.

In other grocery store-related news, I bought some fresh herbs even though I don't quite know what to do with them. Do I keep them refrigerated? Or not? See, the meringue experiment has taken a drastic turn and I probably should have kept you all abreast of the situation but for whatever reason I've chosen to shut you out. Don't take it personally, it's just that you can't be trusted. I mean, I've given you ample opportunity to prove me wrong and you've failed every time. Every thyme! (Get it? No? Okay nevermind.)

Basil, Rosemary

I decided the Splenda was getting out of control and so I'm not longer sweetening the meringues but instead thinking of them as savory cracker puffs. So long as I don't overcook them and they get so dry and flaky I choke on the dust when I eat them and then gasp for air while coughing out a cloud of aspirated meringue, they're semi-edible. I've been seasoning them with rosemary and sometimes basil. Could I be any more fancy?

Also, I have a headache.

I have other things to write about. I'll make a list and then never write about them:

cravings
The Doug Benson Interruption
Throwing Muses
Will Ferrell on Broadway
mailboxes

Q&A Vlog, Feb 27

Once more to the meringues

Last night in between going to fancy parties and reclining on my solid gold and diamond encrusted divan, I decided to turn my attention once more to the dangerous world of meringues. Think of meringues as a bucking bronco and me as the cowboy foolish enough to think I could tame them. Or think of them as a mechanical bull and me as someone in a bar. A bar which has a mechanical bull. Or don't think of that at all. I can't tell you what to think. I can only tell you that I'm making them without sugar, I'm using Splenda, hence the texture (wooden, cardboardy) and the taste (wooden, cardboardy) is truly out of this world.

Hey, are you the kind of person who likes to eat Popsicle sticks? I have some meringues for you.



Just egg whites, cream of tarter, vanilla, salt, Splenda, gravel, witch hazel, grout, caulk, plaster of Paris and a dash of turmeric.


Then I put the mixture in a pastry bag. While this pastry bag looks megaphone sized in this photo it's actually only the size of a small bullhorn.


Birds eye view of the pastry bag with the meringue mixture inside. How did birds get in my kitchen?



Because I'm fancy and also disgusting, I decided that plain meringues weren't enough so I also made some coffee flavored ones (the middle strips) and then I decided to see what would happen if I threw in some butter buds which is butter flavored powder which I think I can still taste today. I don't recommend it, by the way.

It scares me that I've become this person

However my sister just gave me a thoughtful New Year's Eve present to help with the Meringue Experiment 2008. Since all pictures are made cuter with Tobey in the background, I just spent far too long on this prize-winning shot. What prize you ask? First place for photos of decorating bags plus Maltese puppies.
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Meringue experiment part two

This time I used electric beaters and splenda granular and parchment paper, all courtesy of my parents' kitchen. I'm so headed for the misshapen low cal vanilla flavored confectionary hall of fame!
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This never happens

After a busy day of making snow angels and doing nothing, I decided to cook and not only am I using the stove but I'm also using the oven. This is officially the first time I've used both simultaneously. I'm multitasking!

What am I making you might ask? I'm making paste on the stove and broiling shoes in the oven.

Not really. I'm attempting to make science my bitch by making meringues using only egg whites, cream of tartar, salt, splenda and bee spit and angora wool and thimbles. If I succeed I will be very famous. Just warning you. If I fail I will have created a delicious alternative to styrofoam peanuts.
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