Thursday, October 02, 2008

The tragedy that almost happened in my kitchen

So I'm in my kitchen eating gherkins which are sweetened with Splenda (Vlassic makes them, I didn't invent this combination) which many people including my mom have informed me sounds gross however I like them, and while we're at it I also like the new Heinz ketchup that's sweetened with Splenda, in fact I would like to sweeten my water with Splenda except I don't drink water because it's filled with disgusting H20 molecules. The Hindenburg anyone? The hydrogen atom bomb? Are you just going to forgive all that? Just because the hydrogen atom's all like "no, I'm different, I'm stuck to another hydrogen and traveling with an oxygen atom?" I don't think so.

Anyway, I'm eating pickles when suddenly a particularly slippery one kind of gets ahead of itself and starts sliding down my throat and I sort of try to dislodge it and for a second it goes down further and my sad life passes before my eyes as I imagine the pickle getting stuck in there and not being able to get it out and what would I do, would I go bang on my landlord's door, begging for the Heimlich, what if they didn't hear me, what if I die in my kitchen choking on this pickle. It's amazing how fast that can go through your head. Meanwhile I did something which I can only describe as "hoarking" which isn't really a word but whatever it was, it worked because the pickle shot out of my throat and rolled across the kitchen floor. I've since outlined it in chalk, just in case.

But seriously, how do people who live alone not choke to death more often?

Now I have a terrible headache but I think it's from the panic.

UPDATE: I just choked on my own saliva and started coughing. What the hell is wrong with me? I hope it's that I'm compromised from the pickle incident as opposed to losing motor skills.


Ted from Accounting said...

Wow! Glad you are ok! I know the other bloggers wouldn't volunteer to do the Heimlich but I totally would...just and FYI!

Toddrod said...

I think you should see a doctor. Maybe you are having pickle reflux disorder? I dunno, but it seems serious.


Anonymous said...

Quote of the semi-catastrophe:

"Pickles, Choking, and COuric...hmmm. I think I got a plan...."

----Sarah Palin (Can anyone tell me the magazine ALison Rosen was once editor for ?)

Joe said...

Evil gherkin! How dare you! I hope Alison fed you slowly into the nearest garbage disposal so that you are now tiny microscopic bits of your former self. It would still be too good for you, my little friend. Enjoy eternity in hell!

Yet, let us not cast dispersions on all gherkins. I have found a site where gherkins can actually be entertaining:

Yes, I admit I spent a few minutes there this morning. My favorite is the Halloween gherkin. Does that make me a bad person? Don't judge me!

Ted - I'd do the Heimlich on Alison, although perhaps a little too eagerly and for just a little longer than necessary.

Scott said...


First of all--I'm glad you're OK.

I hope this unfortunate and unpleasant experience doesn't leave a bad taste in your mouth and put you off from enjoying pickles in the future.

When and if you're ready to try it again--remember that eating Gherkins is an Art and that with some good instruction, patience and a little practice you CAN master it.

In the future use your hand or hands (depending on the size of the pickle) to control how far and at what speed the pickle goes into your mouth.

If you really want to and then set your mind to becoming good at eating Gherkins I have no doubt you could become quite accomplished at it. :)

My Aim Is True,


P.S.~I don't care what anonymous says--you can edit my writing anytime ;)

Brett Jones said...

Wow, so much to work with here.

First off, I'm really happy you lived to chronicle the event.

Now lets see. I could go with the "Choking on food while your alone just like Pres Bush" angle, but I'd have to weigh the cost/benefit of a Bush joke at this point (beating a dead horse and all that). Something tells me AMR wouldn't like being compared to Bush anyway.

There is something to be dug out of the H2O stuff, "It's all about the company you keep, etc, etc.". Pretty weak stuff really.

I'm strongly leaning towards an auto erotic asphyxiation joke, but since my last response was a creepy joke about searching the web for racy pics of AMR, I don't want to become "that" guy.

The only upshot I can think of for AMR's passing in such a tragic but hilarious way would be Greg using her case as a material in his next segment with Dr. Baden. I'm 99% sure he'd have the brass to toss in an auto erotic asphyxiation joke.

What you really need Alison is a personal assistant who could prepare your meals for you, cutting them up into very small bits. Then there's always the option of just eating everything as purée.

Hugh said...

You've still got tons enough wherewithal to explode pickles out of your esophagus by yourself so take comfort in still being too young for a Life Alert® pendant even though I've heard they come in attractive colors and styles now.

ralph said...

Evidently jerkin' your Gherkin can save your life.