Goodbye Eddie, Hello Jason

Like many of you, I've always assumed that if I were going to accidentally kill someone it'd be from drunk driving, not an air conditioner unit falling out my window. Call me an optimist. So yesterday I'm tending to my pet penguins when I hear this popping sound. I think it must be something electrical but instead my window suddenly opens a crack and my no-longer-beloved A/C unit tilts precariously. "Oh no!" I said aloud to no one. The rest is kind of a blur because my heart started beating as my brain cycled through the following scenarios: A/C unit falls and kills someone—that would suck. A/C unit falls and busts open and I'm out the money of the unit and also responsible for whatever damage it causes to whatever it falls on—that would suck. A/C unit falls and rips part of my window/wall out with it—that would suck. But these scenarios were cycling very fast. Just images of death and disaster and courtrooms and money in brief flashes. Also periodic swatches of the conversation I'd had with Eddie where I kept asking him if he was sure he didn't need [various part] and he said no and that the unit "wasn't going anywhere, sweetheart."

View to a kill

So I don't remember opening the window more but I must have because I somehow am holding the unit with one hand and trying to reach for my phone with the other, not sure exactly who I'm going to call. It dawns on me that even if I reach someone I can't let them into my apartment if I'm holding the near-dangling unit with one arm. It occurs to me to call my sister but I don't know which location she's working at–the one that's far away or the one that's really far away. There's no way I can hold this thing for the amount of time it would take for anyone to show up. I feel very much like someone holding on to a branch in a cartoon or like someone who's keeping a person from falling off a building by just holding their hand as they hang there. Like "Don't worry, I got you, oh no!"

So I realize I have no choice but to pull this thing inside. I begin bringing it toward me and water is now spilling all over everything. Nothing fragile though, just some power strips, all my computer cords and various other electronics. Also a game of Trivial Pursuit 20th Anniversary Edition which really isn't very fun. Get soaked for all I care, Trivial Pursuit! I pull my computer chair around and hoist the unit onto the chair using the Herculean strength afforded me by the panic. At least I assume that's what it was because both my legs are bruised and my finger's cut up and I didn't feel it at the time.

Just where I wanted it

Anyway, now I'm tired of telling this story, but Eddie came back and didn't impress me with his ability to put this in there in a way that's any more secure (he wouldn't follow the instructions in the manual and wouldn't use the bolts/nuts/brackets) so I had to haltingly say "I'm sorry, I believe you but I'm just too uncomfortable to risk it. I'd like a refund." "You don't believe me!" he said. It was true, I didn't, but since when am I in a relationship with Eddie? Jesus. So I haven't seen that money yet but my lawyer sister is none too happy with this whole situation. I kind of just want it all to go away.

In the meantime, Jason from a professional A/C installing place is coming tomorrow. I think I love him already because he sounds like he knows his shit, but then, mine is a heart too soon made glad.

The thing is that when Eddie said "It's not going anywhere, sweetheart," I actually allowed myself to be reassured, like when the guy who rodent-proofed my apartment kept calling me sweetheart. But no more. From now on I am angry! I'm like an Oxygen movie.