Friday, June 06, 2008

Goodbye Eddie, Hello Jason

Like many of you, I've always assumed that if I were going to accidentally kill someone it'd be from drunk driving, not an air conditioner unit falling out my window. Call me an optimist. So yesterday I'm tending to my pet penguins when I hear this popping sound. I think it must be something electrical but instead my window suddenly opens a crack and my no-longer-beloved A/C unit tilts precariously. "Oh no!" I said aloud to no one. The rest is kind of a blur because my heart started beating as my brain cycled through the following scenarios: A/C unit falls and kills someone—that would suck. A/C unit falls and busts open and I'm out the money of the unit and also responsible for whatever damage it causes to whatever it falls on—that would suck. A/C unit falls and rips part of my window/wall out with it—that would suck. But these scenarios were cycling very fast. Just images of death and disaster and courtrooms and money in brief flashes. Also periodic swatches of the conversation I'd had with Eddie where I kept asking him if he was sure he didn't need [various part] and he said no and that the unit "wasn't going anywhere, sweetheart."

View to a kill

So I don't remember opening the window more but I must have because I somehow am holding the unit with one hand and trying to reach for my phone with the other, not sure exactly who I'm going to call. It dawns on me that even if I reach someone I can't let them into my apartment if I'm holding the near-dangling unit with one arm. It occurs to me to call my sister but I don't know which location she's working at–the one that's far away or the one that's really far away. There's no way I can hold this thing for the amount of time it would take for anyone to show up. I feel very much like someone holding on to a branch in a cartoon or like someone who's keeping a person from falling off a building by just holding their hand as they hang there. Like "Don't worry, I got you, oh no!"

So I realize I have no choice but to pull this thing inside. I begin bringing it toward me and water is now spilling all over everything. Nothing fragile though, just some power strips, all my computer cords and various other electronics. Also a game of Trivial Pursuit 20th Anniversary Edition which really isn't very fun. Get soaked for all I care, Trivial Pursuit! I pull my computer chair around and hoist the unit onto the chair using the Herculean strength afforded me by the panic. At least I assume that's what it was because both my legs are bruised and my finger's cut up and I didn't feel it at the time.

Just where I wanted it

Anyway, now I'm tired of telling this story, but Eddie came back and didn't impress me with his ability to put this in there in a way that's any more secure (he wouldn't follow the instructions in the manual and wouldn't use the bolts/nuts/brackets) so I had to haltingly say "I'm sorry, I believe you but I'm just too uncomfortable to risk it. I'd like a refund." "You don't believe me!" he said. It was true, I didn't, but since when am I in a relationship with Eddie? Jesus. So I haven't seen that money yet but my lawyer sister is none too happy with this whole situation. I kind of just want it all to go away.

In the meantime, Jason from a professional A/C installing place is coming tomorrow. I think I love him already because he sounds like he knows his shit, but then, mine is a heart too soon made glad.

The thing is that when Eddie said "It's not going anywhere, sweetheart," I actually allowed myself to be reassured, like when the guy who rodent-proofed my apartment kept calling me sweetheart. But no more. From now on I am angry! I'm like an Oxygen movie.


Rbastid said...

Maybe you can just place it on a table infront of an open window, then you can throw things out your window and use the AC.

Does that in wall AC you have work? Cause it looks like its been in a smoker's appartment for about 22 years.

GL, tommorrow its gonna be like 93 here, if worse comes to worse it'd be cheaper the pay a little man to sit and hold it in place then it would to pay off someone's medical bills.

If your penguins need a place to stay I happen to have a spare iceburg stationed in Jersey.

Ted from Accounting said...

God, I love me some Rosen in da morning! You're alright sweetheart!

Ted "Your AC Specialist"

Ted from Accounting said...

It was ironic, I just looked at the views from your window and was going to write...WOW what a view!?!?! In my normal sarcastic tone of course!

Then I saw your caption "view to kill." Which made me laugh out loud after being captivated by your harrowing tale! You are like the best free "freelance" journalist-blogger EVER!

Ted "Your Favorite(s) Tortilla Chip"

Joe said...

Wow, that sucks. Yeah, it probably would have ruined your weekend if that had killed someone - although it would have been Eddie's fault. Eddie wasn't wearing a hockey mask by any chance, was he?

I don't understand why they can't make lighter air conditioners. We have rovers on Mars and big screen TVs, but they can't make a 25lb A/C unit?

Good thing you were there. Imagine coming home to find a big empty space where your A/C USED to be.

I have to say though that I'm pretty dang impressed you were able to wrestle the unit out of the window by yourself. My A/C probably weighs about the same as yours, and I remember the fun I had getting it in place (I cut a hole in the wall instead of putting it in a window).

You're like the woman I heard about in grammer school who lifted up one end of her car to free her trapped child. They said it was because of adrenaline, but I still think it's because she had an awesome breakfast that morning.

Yeah, Crazy Eddie owes you a refund. Tell him to pay up or your sister F. Lee Rosen (aka The Shark) will take him for everything he's worth (which probably ain't much).

Joe said...

Holy crap - you're on F&F this Sunday???

With all the A/C excitement, I didn't look over to the right side of the screen.

That's excellent!!!!!

Toddrod said...

For some reason, I was thinking Eddie was the plant that had the same name as your sister's plant. My memory sucks though, so I let that idea in my head go as soon as I read that Eddie was the a/c installer guy. Hope Eddie the plant is doing well... wait, what was that dude's name? Freddie? Betty? I forget!


Brett said...

It's almost like I can see the future (note: foreseeing this possible mishap has nothing to do with me almost dropping an A/C unit out a second story window. Really.).

If you're not confident in the workmanship of Jason, might I suggest you return the window unit and get a stand alone model. I think they're a little more expensive but they sit on casters and are easy to move. The only installation involves mounting a really light exhaust plate in the window (hot air is produced by A/C units and needs to be exhausted out of the room).

If you need a hand, just call me. I'll work for some good Thai food and of course the air fair, hotel and car service to get to your place.

brett said...

Please spill the beans Alison! I must know the outcome of this A/C snafu!