Saturday, March 14, 2009

Vaseline terrine

In general, I'm in favor of calorie counts being posted on menus (as they are in NYC in most chain establishments) however last night the whole enterprise bit me on the ass as I found myself in a truly embarrassing restaurant in Times Square poring over a menu and realizing the only thing I could order that I wouldn't feel terrible about the next day would be the chef's vegetables for 60 calories. How am I feeling today? Terrible.

Here is the thing: I find it hard to believe that small steaming terrine of oil with a couple soggy green beans in it was only 60 calories. I also find it hard to believe those were vegetables or that this restaurant had a chef. If it did I take issue with his vegetables. If anything, it almost seemed I'd pissed him off by ordering this item. When I bit down I tasted anger. Anger and regret and canola oil. Probably not even canola oil. What's a cheaper oil? Vaseline? I think these vegetables were served in a terrine of Vaseline. A Vaseline terrine.

So then upon realizing this wasn't going to do the trick of putting anything into my stomach since I hadn't eaten all day, I asked for a side of bread. Glistening soggy bread sticks were delivered sans calorie count. But as a professional dieter, I know lard when I see it (on my ass or on a bread stick). I had to then attempt to peel each bread stick to uncover the virgin center, untouched by oil or man. Then I'd dip the small bread pellet in the sauce, which actually had a vegetable floating in it. A green pepper sliver. It all comes back to green peppers, doesn't it?

I feel I had something else to say? Did I?


Prototype 3: Rise of the Machine said...

Yeah, the end lacks some sort of resolution?

Anyway, I had no idea you were such a picky eater and "professional dieter." I'm proud of you, Alison! You think the Prototype could go along eating bologna and triglycerides like nothing would happen? Hell, his system and CPU would crash and malfunction! You can rest assure that any soup will have a good amount of calories and fats no matter how many it claims to have. I mean, you can even see globules of lipids floating around in those soups. There's a lot of loop holes that food manufacturers can get away with when it comes to food labels, as I've learned through the class I'm taking right now (physiology of nutrition), like the real amount of grams of fat that are actually in your food compared to what is being advertised, but that's for another discussion. I have everything you need to know in my course reader, as prepared by my professor and the UCLA Center for Human Nutrition. Let me know if you wanna read it. Sure beats any other book out there on diet and nutrition.


Do you juice? You know, use a juicer to juice broccoli, parsley, carrots, apples, spinach, celery and other stuff to make really awesome super fresh juices out of?

JUICING = Best health aid ever.

It will totally improve your appearance, performance and career. Totally. Not joking one bit. Super duper serious.


Your BFF Ted said...

I'm a little too toasted to understand everything you just wrote but....I did buy another 5 boxes of Girl Scout Thin Mints today! I don't think those cookies are fattening...are they!?!?!?

I'm not sure what it is but I've always been able to eat and drink whatever I want and never gain weight! I failed to mention that I push 730 lbs on a consistent basis!

Brett B said...

Are you a vegetarian?

I usually just force by body into ketosis. I buy a bottle of ketosticks in the diabetic section of Walgreens and just monitor myself.

Two words... grilled chicken.

Trapp said...

I like this concept of complaining to a chef by saying, "I take issue with..."

"I take issue with your vegetables."

"I take issue with your pasta primavera."

"I take issue with this dead rat in my salad."