Saturday, February 14, 2009

I'd make a shitty chicken

A wise chicken doesn't cackle until she lays an egg or something, but that's not my style and plus if I were a chicken I'd much rather be the kind that plays piano. Probably something light, like Debussy. I know what you're thinking: Do I take tips? Yes I do. I refer you to the tip jar on the side of my baby grand. They wanted to get me a concert grand since I'm performing at a pretty big concert hall however I explained that I wasn't the biggest chicken (I actually said I wasn't the biggest "cock on the walk" and we all had a good laugh at that) and therefore a concert grand would be using a hatchet to remove a fly from my friend's beak.

I mean, I want the main thing you notice on that stage to be me and my amazing plumage first, then my romantic (and I mean that in the Platonic sense of the word) and moving playing, and then the light show and then you are free to notice the piano. And the tip jar. Please notice that. But I mean, I don't want to be upstaged by my instrument.

But back to the tip jar. If you aren't able to ascend the steps at Carnegie Hall (yes, that's where I'm performing the works of Debussy) then we're sending a collection plate out into the crowd.

What's that? There aren't any steps? I simply flap my wings and fly over the orchestra pit to get to the stage but I don't really know how it would work for you. And I know what you're thinking again: You're wondering why I'm flying over the orchestra pit instead of entering the stage from backstage where I'll be nibbling on various vittles kept warm on chafing dishes, as per my contract rider? Look, I'm a pretty down the earth chicken and I find that when I take the stage from the audience it really starts things off on the right foot. It's my way of saying that I don't OWN the music. I'm merely a vessel through which it speaks/lives/breathes.

Am I getting too lofty? I do that sometimes. In the coop where I periodically pass the time I'm kind of known as an intellectual. Some think I'm snobby but I'm really not. I just want to know what came before me, and what came after me, and how I fit in.

I read a lot of Nietzsche. I went through an Orwell phase but it hit a little close to home, as you can probably imagine.

1984. It was the year of my birth. Why, what did you think I was referring to?

Anyway, I have to go practice on my Casio keyboard which I keep in my mobile dressing room. A lot of people wonder how I practice and that's how.

Oh and P.S. it looks as if I'll be interviewing a certain Michael Showalter in a video/vlog soon. Happy Valentine's Day!

NOTE: If you want to hear the old radio interviews I did with Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black go to my seldom-updated Myspace page and scroll down on the right side, after the videos, and there is a gray box with the interviews.


Scott said...

A Ro,

That silly yet refreshingly imaginative blog made me think of this song:


Happy Valentines Day Kiddo :)

KevinC. said...

So you'd be chicken who can play "Clair de lune"? That'd be so cool, you'd also need some awesome hairstyle like Beethoven, They wouldn't take a chicken playing Debussy seriously without one.

karpaydm said...

"I don't want to be upstaged by my instrument"

I have the same problem. My instrument is constantly upstaging me... it is both a blessing and a curse.

Prototype said...

Where the hell do you come up with this stuff?

And why is "pigeon sex" in the labels?

You like pigeon pot pie?

Which order do you like more, Columbiformes or Galliformes?

How about family? Columbidae or Phasianidae?

Damn, that would be a perfect question for someone to ask you for your next Q&A vlog.

Trapp said...

I'm certainly curious as to what you're really saying here. In between the jokes, you seem to be saying that you're misunderstood, or being looked at funny for being outside the box. You definitely are an intellectual. I didn't understand half of it. But you must realize that people will wonder about the details.

I haven't read Nietzsche. I'm a Groucho man myself. If you're going to be a rebel, at least have fun. Nevertheless, a quick Wikipedia check gave me a general lowdown on Nietzsche. I'd be curious as to where you agree or disagree with his ideas.

Philosophy is sorely missing in our time, at least in the sense that one examines, and questions, ones own beliefs and motivations.

alison said...

I realized earlier that I never really tied it all together in this blog post. What I was saying is that if I were smart I wouldn't trumpet the fact that I'm going to interview Showalter in a vlog until I actually do it. Until I lay that egg. You know?

Trapp said...

Understood. Thanks for clarifying!

Nevertheless, this blog has inspired me. This Halloween, I'm going as Nietzsche.