Saturday, February 28, 2009

101 Things To Do In A Sh*tty Economy, 1-11

Bad finances got you down? Try one of the following penny-pinching solutions.

1. Never can get the last bits of lipstick out of your near empty tubes? Don't fret, pet. Wait until you've got a bunch (at least 5) and then head to your nearest MAC store where you can use them to beat the cashier until she hands over all the money in the register.

2. Weather is your friend. Capture light wintry mix in a bowl. Add dirt from your garden (No garden? Scrape the bottom of your shoe!) and serve at your next cocktail party!

3. Don't throw out those last pieces of soap. Put them in a pot, boil them down and make soup!

4. Shave your head. The money you save on shampoo alone will be enough to buy food for your egg-laying chicken. (see #5)

5. Buy an egg-laying chicken. The money you save on eggs alone will be more than enough to pay for a wig. (see #4)

6. Egg-laying chicken turned out to be a rooster? Look on the bright side. Now you'll never miss another sunrise. Nor will any of your neighbors!

7. OK so it looks like you'll be needing a lawyer as your neighbors weren't able to look on the bright side. Whip up a bowl of your best soap soup and offer to trade services. (Soap soup in exchange for legal representation.)

8. So you got evicted. Grab your rooster and hit the road. Think of it as an adventure! Fuck conformity, hobo chic style!

9. Instead of spending your hard earned money at a laundromat, wash clothes in shower (just get in shower fully clothed) and then dry them in the microwave. Make sure there's no metal in your clothing. Consider a browning sleeve if you like your shirts crispy.

10. Old cook's secret: In a pinch, eye makeup remover can double for olive oil in your recipes.

11. Baking a cake but unsure whether the oven is the right temperature and can't afford an accurate thermometer? Stick hand in oven. When skin is light and flaky, cake is done.

[do I even need to say that you shouldn't actually try any of these at home and this list is just a joke?]


Ted, White and Blue said...

Funny you should write this...that project I wrote to you about...well, I was thinking...the whole freakin economy is in the tank....what do I do!?!?!? Yeah, go spend a shit load of money! Am I crazy? Yes, I'm quite sure I am!

I'll have to try the soap tip!

Brett Jones said...

Some kind of soap press is the next better mouse trap. The slivers of left over soap in the shower piss me off. I wait until I have 4-5 of them, then I just squish them all together in my hands making a full size bar of soap.

RE: the chicken.

I've been giving serious thought to a few laying hens. My kids are sort of freaking out about the whole idea.

Advanced Prototype 2.0 said...

Did you ever try #1 before?

2) How about cancelling electricity and instead sit out in the sun for a couple of hours with some Tupperware to capture some sunlight and use that as solar power?

3) Soup soap? Damn. That shit will clean you out like a prune juice smoothie.

6) Oh yeah, a rooster would make quite a good alarm clock.

8) "Fuck conformity, hobo chic style!" - whoa.

11) I like the sticking the hand in the oven idea. I never thought of that.

You may be on to something with these ideas. I say turn it into a book.

David B said...

A joke, oh crap, you should have put that at the top. But the olive oil substitute worked out rather well, well, except for the stomach cramps, vomiting and diarrhea. Good job last night.

David B said...

BTW: To clear the slate, I don't actually have eye makeup remover, since I don't wear eye makeup. I'm not sure about you guys in the big city but guys out here, or at least me, don't wear makeup LOL

Toddrod said...

David B, nothing wrong with a little blush to color the cheeks. Chicks dig it.


Chucktate said...

#8 is how i guessed #2 from your "You think you know me quiz?" ;)