Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Identity Crisis, part 413

So yet again I'm wondering how I should be labeling myself. I'm wondering this specifically because I'm on Red Eye tonight and they've taken to referring to me as a self-professed pop culture expert and contributing editor to Page Six Magazine. And I am both those things but I'm also a blogger, writer and sort of comedian. I mean, I'm funny. Like really fucking funny. Sometimes I look at myself and just laugh and laugh. Sometimes I drink milk and think of something I said and then shoot milk out my nose. Then I drink coke and think about the milk and the coke comes out my nose! Seriously, you should never sit across from me. I'm like Gallagher but with beverages. Also, I've never really shot drinks out of my nose. Who does that? So should I be introduced as a blogger and comedian? A writer, blogger and comedian? And fake body language expert.

While in Canada, DJ from Roseanne (ok fine, his name is Michael Fishman) said "so, what are you?" and I hemmed and hawed (note: I've never written hawed before. It looks wrong somehow. It looks wrawng) and then Amelie Gillette whose name I'm likely misspelling suggested I be a "fun-dit."

I liked it until my brain started hearing fun-dip and then I got distracted.

Anyway, yesterday I ran into an editor-in-chief in the bathroom, which is truly my favorite place to run into people I'm slightly intimidated by and she asked me what my plans are for 2009. "Was thinking I'd put on some lip gloss and get the fuck out of here!" I didn't say. Instead I hemmed and hawed (TWICE in one blog post!)

Maybe I should just put it out there to the universe? That I'd like to one day host my own funny late night talk show that doesn't have to be late at night and I'd also like to write more cover stories for well-paying national magazines and I'd like to finally master these splenda meringues because sometimes the egg whites aren't as voluminous as I'd like?

Do I dare say all this?

Oh, also, I'd like to write a book, write comedy and nail the Russian shuffle. (so-called because one card is "rushin'" right after the other. TRULY! I KID YOU NOT! I WOULD NOT LIE TO YOU!)

I've spent more time today on the shuffle than on the book. See, the other night I was watching Red Eye, the one with the BEST OF 2008 segment, which is essentially like googling yourself except less instant feedback and more fast forwarding and I had to put up with the first half which had real guests and stuff. I think the topic was New Year's resolutions and Clayton Morris mentioned that he wanted to shuffle cards in a cool way and I think Bill maybe said he did too and that reminded me that that was once MY dream. And yet I abandoned it like a newborn in a dumpster. See this blog post for what happened.

But in the years since, the internet has improved when it comes to card shuffling and now I don't have to settle for magic tricks. So I'm teaching myself how to do this stuff. I'm at about 55 percent at this point, meaning I can shoot cards all around the room and then roll over them with a computer chair.

Also, who can almost do the ribbon spread? I so almost can! And the one-handed fan. But the Russian shuffle is really the piece de resistance. I mean, once you master that bad boy you won't even mind that you don't have any dates.

The Ribbon Spread

Between this, raising each of my eyebrows individually and blowing spit bubbles off the end of my tongue, how can I fail?


Seneca the Younger said...

and quite hot, Alison. I say just slap Gutfield next time.

Better yet, slap Schultz. I don't care why.

DarkKnight3565 said...

You had me at "shoot milk out my nose."

Anonymous said...

I'd probably label you an " Online Self Deprecationist " ( OSD ) in regards to your blogging.

Alison Rosen, osd.

Why deprecation you say? Well, I kinda get the feeling that you are the sort of person who is too analytical of yourself.

I could be wrong and most likely am wrong but hey, such is life. I just blab it how I see it.

See ya later Ali Rose

Ted from Accounting said...

Suggestions for your title:

Professional Hot Chick

Ted's Internet Girlfriend

Procrastinating Book Writer


Please Please Please run with that idea I gave you like a year ago! If you'd written that book, you could be plugging it on Red Eye tonight and on your website that doesn't exist yet! I should so change my career from Nuclear Scientist to Celebrity Agent!

Also, wouldn't that be cool to hear an introduction of and we have Alison Rosen...professional hot chick! Damn I'm good!

Toddrod said...

Who IS this Anonymous person?!? I wanna know!

Alison, I think you should call yourself "contributing editor to Page Six magazine, and social commentator."

I dunno if that helps at all, but if you use it, I'll feel a sense of self importance.


Scott said...

Hey A Ro,

If you happen to read this before you head off to Red Eyeville--I was thinking it would be nice if you started a tradition of somehow subtly letting your adoring fans know we're in your thoughts every time you're on show.

Sort of like how Carol Burnett used end each show by tugging on her ear lobe as a gesture to be beloved Grandmother watching at home--letting her know she was thinking of her.

The earlobe thing is already taken so perhaps at some point during your Red Eye appearance you could blow your nose or wipe your brow with a Couch Swatch? Although don't do both 'cause that would be kinda disgusting.

Just throwing that out there--Have a great show!


Prototype said...

Card shooting is awesome. It took me some time to master it (a few hours?) but it is worth it. You can shoot at people randomly and they wouldn't even know it. I once shot a 5 of spades at my homie from across the family room and it actually gave him a cut under his left eye. Oh well.

faceless said...

Working for Fox you must be a comedian at heart.