Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Things You Never Hear Anyone Say

[NOTE: I slapped this up here without any context so just wanted to take a moment to say... there's no context. I was just sitting around thinking of things you never hear anyone say either because they're ridiculous or because they're socially unacceptable. So I thought I'd make a list. This is that list.]

"Wow, nice toupee!"

"I find the way we’ve been introduced a number of times but you always act as if you don’t know me refreshing."

"Oh goody, I was hoping your sister could come along on our date."

"Gee, thanks for these holiday themed socks that play a song. They’re just what I wanted!"

"No need to pay me, boss. I put in a mind-numbing day of pointless work because I enjoy it."

"Tell me again about your bunion!"

"Well I came to your party to see if there was anyone who could advance my career or who I could sleep with. Since there isn’t, I’m going to hit the road. Mind if I look in your medicine cabinet first?"

"I don’t know what it is but Urkel just cracks me up."

"Actually yes, you do look fat in those pants."

"Thanks for inviting me over and telling me those fantastically dull stories!"

"I thought we might have a future together but then I got to know you."

"It’s you, not me."

"Actually I am ready for a relationship, just not with you."

"Hands down, the best thing about a cocaine-fueled orgy is the way you feel the next day."


Pedro said...

Yes, I've been told by my wife I do look fat in those pants.

Ted from Accounting said...

I think I'll take all these lines and create a short story!

Hey did you and your sister pull this one on someone: "Oh goody, I was hoping your sister could come along on our date."

Anonymous said...

My version of taking the umbrage out (AS IN GARBAGe):

5 Things you just don't wanna hear........

1. "....And so, he was an inspirational man."

---The guy who had to give a eulogy in Adolf Hitler's funeral (Isn't it true that everybody would get a eulogy no matter what kind of person you are ?)...

2." your looking good. Better than the last time I saw you...."

3. " You don't need to be ashamed, can you tell us which part of the body the cancer is located ?...."

4. "I'm sorry your buddy died from a gunshot wound. So tell me, how big was the gun....."

5. "If only you were the opposite sex,I would definitely marry you..."

Joe said...

Alison, it bothers me that you can comment about cocaine-fueled orgies. Not that much though.

Another thing you never hear: "That tip is way too big."

On a Lost episode, one of the survivors was teaching another (who only spoke Chinese) the 3 English phrases you need to know when talking with a woman.

1. You're right
2. I was wrong
3. No, that outfit doesn't make you look fat

Toddrod said...

"Who's Alison M. Rosen?" (you never hear anyone say that anymore! Alison is a tv star! )

Christian said...

"Well yeah, but you have a great *personality*!"

I cry myself to sleep remembering that one.

... or uh ... i would ... if anyone had ever said that to me.


BTW, your blog is great - stumbled on it through a random Google (which somehow is now a verb) and thought i'd have a look. Good stuff!

set Current_Followers = Followers set Followers = Current_Followers + 1

... i'm going to go hang my head in shame for typing that, now.

Kurtis said...

No wonder I am single. I have used at least 4 of those lines. I especially like its you not me, and I am ready for a relationship but not you now that I have gotten to know you better.

Brett Jones said...


If Alison's sister is as pretty as AMR (is there any doubt, really?), I'm sure they heard it all wrong. It must have been: "OH Goody!!! I was so hoping your hot ass sister was going to join us for the abduction..... er date."

Anonymous said...

Yes, I've told my husband before that he looks fat in pants.

It had everything to do with a ridiculous fashion trend in mens jeans and much, much less to do with his near perfect bod, and it needed to be said so we could move the day along to better things, like him naked again.

Ted from Accounting said...


Nice Brett! In my dreams it's like an Alison Rosen Doublemint Gum commercial!

Did I just say my dreams!?!?!? How embarrassing!