Thursday, November 06, 2008

An important warning about shoestring eggplant


Sour; deadly


Should you be considering enjoying shoestring eggplant in vinegar marinade which you probably wouldn't consider eating anyway—I have a thing for weird foods in jars which few of my fellow humans share—but anyway should you be making this bold lifestyle choice I beseech you to make sure you do not have any cuts or broken skin in your mouth because the eggplant will get in there, get into your bloodstream and then turn you into an eggplant. It's how eggplant works! One minute you're trying to introduce Mediterranean cuisine into your diet, the next minute you're an eggplant. Some of my best friends are now purple.

Wait, come back, that's not what I meant to say.

See, I bit my lip a couple nights ago so I have one of those things inside my lower lip where it feels like the skin is puffed up to the size of a marble but then I look into the mirror and really it's much smaller. So I stupidly decided to try this shoestring eggplant because hell, why not? I wasn't even put off by the strange lack of color, as if Bunicula had gotten to it (anyone?). It looked like bits of pre-chewed albino vegetables, so I decided to dig in. Anyway, the vinegar marinade went straight into my cut and hitched a ride through my face and then shot straight into my brain. "Oh my God!" I yelled at no one, pawing at my lip. "Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God" I said, jumping around. I'm surprised I didn't start drooling. Maybe I did but I didn't notice because there was an eggplant-borne vinegar hole in my brain? It's possible.

7 comments:

peter wolfe said...

While eggplant has never been on my banned list of foods....it is now! It is right there with Liver and Oatmeal, both of which make me gag!
O.K. well there is probably a few more but those top my list! What on earth would get you to eat something that ugly? Go ahead and admit it!! Not only does your mouth burn like hell...it gave you gas!!! I have always wondered WHERE did they get the name eggplant anyways? Kind of like mince meat pie. I have always imagined eating pie with meat in it! UUGGGHHH!!!

Joe said...

"Some of my best friends are now purple."

Being purple ain't all bad. You should have seen Barney 20 years ago. He was just an unemployed, overweight white guy living in Rapid City, South Dakota. Then one night he ate some eggplant and WHAM. Six months later he has his own kids show. These days he spends his mornings sipping Lava Flows on the beach at Waikiki.

And what about the Purple Smurfs? Who doesn't like the Purple Smurfs?

But anyway - do you know what's good for an open sore in your mouth? A Jamba Juice Chocolate Moo'd Power Smoothie. It's guaranteed to make you feel better. Guaranteed.

Scott said...

First the pickle incident and now this...you may want to steer clear of jarred food for a while.

Anonymous said...

Fried Scrambled Eggplant Response:

"Remember the buzz going around about Fox's rival network CNN regarding their so-called hologram gimmick that occured on Election day ? CNN seems to be acquiring newer and more advanced technology for what else but to take down other networks in their way. Who knows what bizarre tactics are next under Ted Turners sleeve. That odd experience with the eggplant must have been the beginning of the conspiratorial plot organized by CNN to take over Fox NEws by striking each personnel one by one with ALison being first on the list. This just means the real NeWs wars has begun and it's time to strike back !!!

----Kiran Chetry (I still work for FOX, just working as an infiltrator. IN other words, I still love you guys, really !!!)

Lady Melchior said...

Eggplants are dangerous, but The Celery Stalks at Midnight.

Joe said...

Anonymous - the CNN hologram was not what it appeared to be: tinyurl.com/5sfmhc

Lord Melchior said...

I too remember Bunnicula.