Thursday, June 12, 2008

An Open Letter to The Bug On My Wall

Dear Bug,

I'm sorry I felt the need to stand on a step stool and spray you directly with Raid Ant & Roach killer in "country fresh" scent. You were neither an ant nor roach, in fact I don't know what you were, but you were disgusting-looking and uninvited basically, and NYC is a cutthroat place. Perhaps you were one of those "good bugs" that harness their insect powers for good—eating bad bugs, donating your time to very small soup kitchens and building tiny homes for larva? If so I feel terrible, however how am I supposed to know? It's not like you spoke up when I came for you. You just sat there, stuck to the wall with some kind of tentacle/antenna thing. And by the way, bug, perhaps antennae have served you well over the million years you and your kind have persisted, but they aren't serving you well in my bedroom. I suggest something cuter. Like a very tiny set of rabbit ears. Or a wee Groucho Marx nose-and-glasses getup. Everyone loves a bug with a sense of humor!

I'm sorry too that when I sprayed you, you became affixed to the wall surrounded by a puddle of bug spray. You were like the head of a moose on the wall of a log cabin, only you were an entire bug on the wall of a New York apartment. I'm more sorry, though, that I thought it wise to walk away after watching you for a time, so sure was I that you were a permanent wall ornament, because when I came back you were missing. The truth is that I have no idea where you went and it's not for lack of looking. I even considered trying to stick something roughly bug size where you sat on the wall and then make that thing fall to see where it would go. But I didn't because I can't reach that spot on the wall which is how we got into this mess to begin with.

And finally, I'm sorry the makers of Raid Ant & Roach spray in "country fresh" scent were forced spend time in a country that smelled so strongly of insecticide.



Rbastid said...

See a dog is a great alternate for bug spray. Had a spider in the house yesterday and my dog decided he wanted to see what the spider tasted like, it tasted like squish.

You should have a blog like segment on Redeye where you just tell the guys about your week.

brett said...

You just know that little monster is hiding in some dark damp part of your bedroom plotting his revenge (and probably mutating). Which for a bug most likely means walking on your tooth brush or that uncapped lip stick on the bathroom counter, dropping off little bug poo.

My verification word if "burfyp". The verification strings here always sound out like they could be real words.

Joe said...

That's so funny!

I have absolutely no mercy on bugs. If they're on the ceiling, I'll drag a chair over so I can get to him. I've also honed my bug-killing skills so I can swish one hard enough to kill it without leaving a mark. It takes intimate knowledge of different types of bugs and taking into account body weight & mass. It's more an art than a science.

OK, I think I'm going to go masticate. That means eat, people. Get your minds out of the gutter!