Friday, May 16, 2008

An open letter to the rain

Dear Rain,

You are standing in the way of my going to the gym this morning. I suppose it's not really your fault, you didn't ask to be squeezed out of those clouds like so much liquid cloud snot, however I am angry at you because you are just doing your thing with no thought to how it might affect other people. In general, I find you to be selfish. And don't give me that old song and dance about rainbows because frankly, I don't care anymore. I've seen enough rainbows to last a lifetime. I've seen them in cheap kaleidoscopes, I've seen them shimmering on the edges of rotten meat, I've seen them on 3-2-1 Contact and I've memorized Roy G Biv.

Incidentally, have I lost you all with the rotten meat and the Roy G Biv? Because there was this show that I used to write jokes for and I recall writing a rotten meat/rainbow one and the person reading had never seen a rotten meat rainbow. He only ate fresh filet mignon. I'm making that up.

But back to you, rain. Oh, are you falling even harder now? That's real nice. I hope you evaporate and die.

love,
Alison

7 comments:

Don Allen said...

You're so hateful. It's not like the rain raped your cat or anything.

Joe said...

Roy G Biv - that's a riot. I haven't heard that in years. Roy was my math tutor in 6th grade. Good ole Roy. Wonder what he's doing now. And Mrs. Biv.

I feel bad telling you, Alison, but it's sunny and almost warm where I am. Actually, my nose is growing. I don't feel bad at all. Not after all the snow and ice and freezing rain and snow and ice we had last winter. Yes, we really did have a lot of snow and ice here. And ALSO snow and ice.

Along with tons of snow and ice.

I just heard that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have broken up. Oh - how will I get through the day???

Anonymous said...

Wow, seeing that the weather is the master of all emotional manipulation. Isn't the master of emotional manipulation calling the master of emotional manipulation black? I kid of course. Now I'm gonna go pour some charcoal-lighter fluid on an ant bed and watch them scramble for the rest of eternity. Disclaimer: My writings are satirical in nature. That should go with-out saying.

Michael.
La.

tracks:

Gossip - Lil Wayne (aka-Lil Weezy-ana.

Pop-Bottles - Birdman/Lil Wayne.

Southern Hospitality - Ludacris.

Joe said...

"Jessica Simpson’s relationship with Tony Romo reportedly came to an end because the Dallas Cowboys quarterback was fed-up with the intense media scrutiny that comes from being in Simpson’s life and the problems he has with her overbearing father, Joe Simpson."

Oh, the humanity...

Ted from Accounting said...

Ok ok! I'm back! Don't twist my arm or anything drastic! I see my motivational poster crashed and burned but oh well, I never said I was a comedian!

God, I love the rain! I didn't realize you belonged to an outdoor gym!

Rbastid said...

Please keep the rain coming, its keeping me from having to go out with people i'd rather not.

While it does help give New York the extra pissy smell, and a torrent of dirty water will engulf my shoes as i get on the train, its sometimes a helpful friend.

Rbastid said...

And like a good little boy Rain comes through in a pinch.

Richard + Mother Nature 1 - Doin Stuff 0