An open letter to the rain

Dear Rain,

You are standing in the way of my going to the gym this morning. I suppose it's not really your fault, you didn't ask to be squeezed out of those clouds like so much liquid cloud snot, however I am angry at you because you are just doing your thing with no thought to how it might affect other people. In general, I find you to be selfish. And don't give me that old song and dance about rainbows because frankly, I don't care anymore. I've seen enough rainbows to last a lifetime. I've seen them in cheap kaleidoscopes, I've seen them shimmering on the edges of rotten meat, I've seen them on 3-2-1 Contact and I've memorized Roy G Biv.

Incidentally, have I lost you all with the rotten meat and the Roy G Biv? Because there was this show that I used to write jokes for and I recall writing a rotten meat/rainbow one and the person reading had never seen a rotten meat rainbow. He only ate fresh filet mignon. I'm making that up.

But back to you, rain. Oh, are you falling even harder now? That's real nice. I hope you evaporate and die.

love,
Alison

An Open Letter To The Mold Found In My Building Which They Are Testing Which Means I Don't Have To Be There Until Noon Tomorrow

I love you!