Thursday, March 27, 2008

What I'm doing when I'm not on Red Eye

People have been asking me when I'm going to be on Red Eye next—the answer is April 15—which then begs the question of what I'll be doing until then.

I cannot lie to you: I've decided to have some work done.

I'm getting my teeth dyed sun yellow, because yellow is a happy color and who doesn't like the sun? I wish I could say I'm stopping with my sun yellow teeth but the thing is that getting work done is addictive and empowering and I've been living with this face and body for 32, I mean 24 years. I'm ready to really embrace my true self by changing everything.

I'm not rushing into it though. I've been slowly but surely clipping pictures from magazines of the features I'd most like to have. I plan on taking these pictures with me to the doctor and asking him to attach them to my face. I'm picturing something that will be like a cross between a mosaic and papier mache, which is pronounced paper muhshay despite how it's spelled.

As for my body, I'm going to need a new one to match my exciting new face, so I've decided to have implants the size of chicken cutlets—okay fine, they're just chicken cutlets—glued to my problem areas. I've requested they be glued with honey mustard, because that really makes the most sense, but I'm not sure that's feasible at this time. It's a crude science, despite how advanced it is. While I'm there I'll probably have some junk injected into my junk and then I imagine the doctor will draw all over me with magic marker. I've requested he draw a landscape scene—preferably a cityscape or a beach scene. Something bucolic. Nothing too gritty. I get enough realism watching the news, thank you very much!!!!!!! (Am I right????????????)

And I'm toying with the idea of getting my stomach stapled—to my socks. I'm just super into the idea of internal organs as outerwear.


Brett Jones said...

I've started comments to like the last 4 posts but ended up being distracted by something shiny each time... One was an awesome story about how I was attacked by a bat while watching a Blacksploitation marathon on IFC.

I'll expect a low cut shirt on the 15th, to show off the new cutlets. You'll be so sexy, and you'll taste like a chicken sandwich.

Ted from Accounting said...

Holy crap! After reading that I started repeating "Worries...Worries!" Alison please don't change anything but do take your meds on a regular basis!

April 15 - Roger That!

Pow said...

The 15th? That's like, forever. Wow. No Ali-fun on Redeye for RosenFans.
Yellow is a happy color. But I was thinking of having them taken out completely. That way when I get older, if they fell out, I wouldn't feel bad.
As for the painting, I like the beach scene. It reminds me of summer. I like summer.
This is really about the wind chimes isn't it? They will be decorative after all!

Joe said...

Wow - Aptil 15? That's about a month between appearances. What are they thinking?? Are they saving you for some kind of big tax day extravaganza?

You would have been better than Geno Bisconte last night. They had to bleep him half the time. It was probably funny in the studio - at home, not very.

"I'm toying with the idea of getting my stomach stapled—to my socks." Please post photos. You know how I feel about internal organs, Alison.

So it's not unusual for people to sometimes leave a few things behind when they move, right? Well, this was in the news this morning:

GLEN BURNIE, Md. -- Police say a Glen Burnie woman was surprised by a three-foot python that slithered out from behind her media stand while she watched television in her living room Sunday afternoon. The woman, who has lived in the apartment for two months, does not own the snake. Officers believe the snake was left behind by a previous tenant.

No worries.

Kimberly said...

"so I've decided to have implants the size of chicken cutlets—okay fine, they're just chicken cutlets—glued to my problem areas. I've requested they be glued with honey mustard"

I think honey mustard is a great choice! The honey in the dressing will serve as a fine adhesive. Say you were to go with ranch - as it dries, you might just get a funny smell and cutlets that slip off in no time. Both are delicious with chicken too - but if you are wanting a look that lasts so you won't have to go back "under the ladle" anytime soon - I say honey mustard is the right choice for you! You are going to look AMAZING and smell delicious, in a cobb salad kinda way.
God, I'm starving..what's for lunch!?


Ted from Accounting said...

Ok, I don't know if anyone saw the South Park episode last night about "cheesing" and I'm not saying that Alison and Kim are cheesing but possibly they are riding in that Trans Am Rocket Ship together into a purple hazed planet! I'm just saying...

April 15 is a ways out...what is wrong with those Red Eye schedulers? The RosenFanatics might just have to start an email campaign!

Kimberly said...

Well, I can't speak for Alison but -
Dude, I'm cheesing my F-ing brains out right now!

markca said...

The 15th??? That's waaaaay off (it seems like).

With these chicken cutlets, Alison are you then saying you will taste like chicken?

(I'm going to the corner of the room now)

Ted from Accounting said...

Well Kim, since your my first female pit boss, I didn't want to say anything but we all kind of expected that was the case!

I think it's obvious that Levy is a cheese head as well!

If you haven't seen that full episode of SP, it is really funny!

SpiffyRaccoon said...

Get Jack Nicholson's breasts.

Anonymous said...

Sit in the hot girl chair!

alison said...

Trivia: I have in fact sat in the Hot Girl seat before. There was a show where Ann Coulter did the first block and then I did the rest of the show, thus placing my butt right where she'd placed hers! Also on Valentine's day I was in that chair. And despite the general perception that I'm always in the newsroom, I've done the show from the seat between Greg and Bill a heapload of times. But I think I prefer the smart girl chair.

Brett Jones said...

Alison, every seat you sit in is the "Hot Girl" seat. Ah, cheap flattery, it always makes me feel, unclean.

I've always figured you just didn't like sitting next to Bill. He looks like the type who like to touch a person while talking and I bet he smells of Old Spice and Vick's vapor rub.