Damn weed smokers

Someone reached my blog by searching "caterpillars coughing cartoon pics."

It's funny because I've written about all those things, just not together.

Also I have puffy eyes from crying. Puffy sad crying pillow eyes. It's very sexy, as you can well imagine. Also sexy: death, grief and mourning. Right?

I'm sorry, I'm making you uncomfortable. Shall we talk about puppies and ducklings?

I think this is in order:




There, I feel a little better.

How I take cough syrup

[A word about what I'm wearing: Sometimes I like to put on everything I get for Xmas as I get it, hence the necklace with tags. Also, I like to tie bows around my head as I'm opening. Also, I'm not wearing any makeup in these photos, and how!]


HOW I TAKE COUGH SYRUP

1) First I pour it in a spoon.




2) Next, I swallow it.



3) Then I freak out.

An important warning about shoestring eggplant

Sour; deadly

Should you be considering enjoying shoestring eggplant in vinegar marinade which you probably wouldn't consider eating anyway—I have a thing for weird foods in jars which few of my fellow humans share—but anyway should you be making this bold lifestyle choice I beseech you to make sure you do not have any cuts or broken skin in your mouth because the eggplant will get in there, get into your bloodstream and then turn you into an eggplant. It's how eggplant works! One minute you're trying to introduce Mediterranean cuisine into your diet, the next minute you're an eggplant. Some of my best friends are now purple.

Wait, come back, that's not what I meant to say.

See, I bit my lip a couple nights ago so I have one of those things inside my lower lip where it feels like the skin is puffed up to the size of a marble but then I look into the mirror and really it's much smaller. So I stupidly decided to try this shoestring eggplant because hell, why not? I wasn't even put off by the strange lack of color, as if Bunicula had gotten to it (anyone?). It looked like bits of pre-chewed albino vegetables, so I decided to dig in. Anyway, the vinegar marinade went straight into my cut and hitched a ride through my face and then shot straight into my brain. "Oh my God!" I yelled at no one, pawing at my lip. "Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God" I said, jumping around. I'm surprised I didn't start drooling. Maybe I did but I didn't notice because there was an eggplant-borne vinegar hole in my brain? It's possible.

The tragedy that almost happened in my kitchen

So I'm in my kitchen eating gherkins which are sweetened with Splenda (Vlassic makes them, I didn't invent this combination) which many people including my mom have informed me sounds gross however I like them, and while we're at it I also like the new Heinz ketchup that's sweetened with Splenda, in fact I would like to sweeten my water with Splenda except I don't drink water because it's filled with disgusting H20 molecules. The Hindenburg anyone? The hydrogen atom bomb? Are you just going to forgive all that? Just because the hydrogen atom's all like "no, I'm different, I'm stuck to another hydrogen and traveling with an oxygen atom?" I don't think so.

Anyway, I'm eating pickles when suddenly a particularly slippery one kind of gets ahead of itself and starts sliding down my throat and I sort of try to dislodge it and for a second it goes down further and my sad life passes before my eyes as I imagine the pickle getting stuck in there and not being able to get it out and what would I do, would I go bang on my landlord's door, begging for the Heimlich, what if they didn't hear me, what if I die in my kitchen choking on this pickle. It's amazing how fast that can go through your head. Meanwhile I did something which I can only describe as "hoarking" which isn't really a word but whatever it was, it worked because the pickle shot out of my throat and rolled across the kitchen floor. I've since outlined it in chalk, just in case.

But seriously, how do people who live alone not choke to death more often?

Now I have a terrible headache but I think it's from the panic.

UPDATE: I just choked on my own saliva and started coughing. What the hell is wrong with me? I hope it's that I'm compromised from the pickle incident as opposed to losing motor skills.