Thursday, April 02, 2009

Fine until you asked me

1. So the guy who works at the grocery store/deli I frequent has taken to greeting me with, "How are you feeling today?" I don't know the correct response to this. Usually I kind of pause, confused, and say, "Fine?" and then glance at him with a sort of quizzical suspicious look as he's walking away. Somehow I doubt this is the expected response. So maybe I should just go with it and say "better, thanks!" as if at some point I wasn't feeling well and discussed this with him? I mean, that never happened, but I could imagine an alternate universe where it might have. Or maybe he think I'm suffering some kind of debilitating something or other? Something or other for which the prescription is bell peppers? Should I affect a cough next time, as if my imaginary condition has worsened? Or maybe I'll just be upfront next time and tell him that I had some weird dreams and woke up feeling kind of aimless and so I went on a long walk to try to clear my head which worked except for moments of self-doubt which are probably being brought on by the fact that my birthday is coming up which always throws me into a semi-depression as I take stock of everything but that really it's no big thing? And that I can't say dating hasn't been sort of bumpy of late and I guess that's also to be expected but hey, I'm no spring chicken and what am I doing with my life and yet I don't even feel like a real grownup some of the time? And that it dawned on me today that it's easier not to make messes than to clean them up after you've made them and yet I think people prone to making messes and then relying on their ability to clean them up which is always possible but usually more damaging and takes longer than you would hope, are people who think that they need to LIVE more and need to experience more and so they keep making messes when really what they need to experience is self-control a little more and I'm talking about myself here. Maybe it's a late bloomer kind of thing? And also I bought diet root beer but don't really like it? Yeah, I'm going with that.

2. Also, as I was walking down the street I was running through my stand up act in my head and moving bits of it around and at one point I looked up and saw two kids looking at me in semi-horror and I realized that a gamut of expressions had been flashing across my face as I'd been mumbling to myself. Maybe crazy people are just running through their stand up acts? I think it should be considered.

3. Wendy has a fancy new blog. So does Natali. So does Anna.

4. So one of the nightmares was that I gave a large chunk of money to charity and in the dream I realized I couldn't afford to give that much to charity and I was freaking out and was going to have to leave New York probably and my parents were telling me I'd have to just get the money back but I didn't think I'd be able to. I woke up all panicked and then felt relieved to realize it was just a dream and I didn't in fact help the less fortunate in any discernible way. Phew!

5. A fair amount of perverts and weirdos have decided to leave comments lately or just contact me directly, often on youtube. It's AWESOME!

6. It's not awesome.

7. Um... do I have anything else to say?

8. Oh yes, I need to buy a rug for my living room. What color should I get?

9. Last night I was in need of a chuckle and so I told myself some jokes and then took to the web. What web sites do you guys go to when you want to read something funny or be entertained? Other than this one, I mean.

14 comments:

Toddrod said...

Re: point #9

http://www.starzbunniestheater.com/

I find it amusing enough to go there again and again.

Toddrod

karpaydm said...

I really liked this blog Alison!

1. Just tell the grocery guy you are "feeling homicidal towards strangers that talk to you" and you should be all set.

2. Crazy people practicing standup bits - hilarious!

3. Get a rug that is camouflage colored so nobody can see it. Or "clear".

4. Sites that make me laugh: tshirthell.com, theonion.com, MSNBC.com, and zoophile.net. Ok so the last one I had no idea existed... I did a search for dolphin sex cuz I thought it would be funny and I found this horrifying site!

KarpayDM (Scott)

It Takes Balls said...

You're crazy, but in a really refreshing and pleasant way. I usually hit illwillpress.com explosm.net or coloringbookland.com

Trapp said...

Wendy's site is a good place to go for a laugh. She's funny too. But maybe you've already heard her jokes.

Or you could ask us for jokes. Probably everyone here has great jokes, except me. I'm humorless and dull. But a lot of fun at parties. I just get there early, find a seat, and do my dead person impression all night.

Choose a rug color that is cheery, or that in some way will make you happy. This should be a pamper yourself purchase.

Joe said...

"A fair amount of perverts and weirdos have decided to leave comments lately or just contact me directly, often on youtube."

Now I'm afraid to leave comments or contact you directly, especially on YouTube.

Maybe I'll just send something to you in the mail, c/o the corner deli. You can pick it up the next time you stop in to chew the fat.

Prototype 3: Rise of the Machine said...

Hmm...I don't get it. You're picky about what you eat in terms of calories and fats, and eat healthy with all your greens, but you drink soda?

Maybe some type of pattern rug? Or something that stands out? Also depends on where you place it and the surface of the floor that you are going to put it over (carpet, hardwood). It'd be easier if you had some photos of ones that you are considering.

I just go to YouTube and type in something random or Break.com - just random video clips.

alison said...

only diet soda! please. I'm a girl!

timdub70 said...

When someone asks my Dad, "How are you?" and he always replies with "Terrible." He does that because some people always answer "Fine" to that question but they really aren't.

Anonymous said...

Because you're a woman (Yes, I notice the important details) you may want to check out cuteoverload.com if you're interested in saying aww a bunch of times.

Brett Jones said...

I was going to go with a carpet matching the drapes joke, but I think it would be a in bad taste after items 5 and 6.

Jaqob Jackson said...

When I am looking for entertainment or just a good quick laugh I go to YouTube and search for funny people videos that have been uploaded recently.

To do that I put in the name of the funny person (a comedian or a comediette) such as KATHY GRIFFIN and then I click the sort by date thing near the top to bring up the most recent videos they are in.

Unfortunately for me the other night, Ms Griffin didn't have any recent funny videos (unless you count her support for fag marriage as funny - which it kind of was!) so I watched the last episode of her last season of My life On The D List which I had missed a while back.

Its in 5 parts, but its all there. Thank God for people like whoever it is that uploaded all of the seasons of that reality show in its entirety. Truly a saint among digital saints!

And other times I check out Andrew WK's website which is www.andrewwk.com. Not for laughs. Just for entertainment and good times!

Actually, if you think about it, I never am in need of a laugh or entertainment because I check out these sites DAILY.

AnnCoulter.com
AndrewWK.com
AlisonRosen.com
comics.com/pearls_before_swine
DrudgeReport.com
Foxnews.com/RedEye
HotAir.com
MichelleMalkin.com
Michaelsavage.com
TheElms.net
Twitter.com/AndyLevy

No chance to get bored or be without a laugh checking on those websites every day!

Ted from Accounting said...

What web sites do you guys go to when you want to read something funny or be entertained? Other than this one, I mean.

---

www.cracked.com
www.fark.com
http://www.kontraband.com/
http://whofartedphotos.blogspot.com/


I like Anna's new blog....if you ever do a web page or new blog, get whoever takes her photos and sets up her page! Very sexy and classy!

Toddrod said...

Ted is right. Anna's new blog is nicely laid out. I think it would be super duper if Alison also had a blog page with neeto colors and super scrumptious pictures.

Toddrod

Robert said...

1. Excellent post.
8. If it is not too late, I vote for chartreuse yellow. It will look great. Really.