Monday, April 06, 2009

Clinical trials and research studies I'd like to be a part of

Are you plagued by compliments? Are compliments ruining your life? Has anyone told you how fabulous you look today? Come to our offices and let us study the effects of around-the-clock compliments while also serving you your beverage of choice and letting you play with a puppy! You will be generously compensated for your time because you are important and also: beautiful!

Do you love The Facts of Life? Would you rather watch The Facts of Life than not watch The Facts of Life? We want to talk to you! Come to our research center and watch Facts of Life while we fan you with palm fronds and let you relieve yourself on a golden latrine. Free Fresca!

Do you long to frolic with fuzzy ducklings and then take naps? Come to our offices and play with ducks and then let us compliment you and style your hair and then take a nap on the comfortable bed of your choice.

Do you wish to fall asleep in the arms of an attractive witty man who raises ducklings and has an extensive library of Facts of Life? We want to study you! Research subjects will tire themselves out playing with ducklings and watching Facts of Life and then will take naps in the arms of attractive witty men who smell good.

Are you tired of cleaning your apartment and looking after yourself even though you're an adult? Let us send you a personal assistant to do all that stuff you don't feel like doing! Then we'll study the effects of this by having you fill out a questionnaire made out of carbohydrates.

Do you wish every morning was Christmas? For one year we will recreate Christmas morning! You just show up and open gifts! Plus ducklings and diet soda! Egg nog on request.


Breannaaa said...

This is hilarious.

This comment seems robotic.

I. Am. A. Robot.

Scott said...

I'd take part in that second research study you described if it was The King of Queens they played while fanning me.

On an unrelated note, did I mention I raise ducklings and have an extensive Facts of Life library?

Brett Jones said...

You know a guy who raises ducklings and smells good is bound to be a gay as can be, right?

I suppose that could be a good thing though, if all you're after is a little duckling time, some enjoyable conversation and a warm, fragrant place to fall asleep.

Toddrod said...

This blog reminds me that there is a distinct difference between men and women. Namely, the presence of diet sodas as an integral part of these fantasies. Do most women really like diet sodas or Fresca? Do they prefer the taste of diet soda over the taste of the regular counterpart? How about when you go out with friends and order a alcoholic drink? Do women get upset when they order a Rum and Diet Coke and the bartender makes the mistake of using regular Coke? Is Diet anything sexy? It just doesn't seem very... gluttonous.


Toddrod said...

Where can I purchase a Breannaaa type robot? They are probably out of my price range I'm thinking.


Joe said...

Do I wish every morning were Christmas? Not a chance, fancy pants! It would be fun for a while, but then I think it would get boring. I knew a woman who worked for a while at a donut shop. She said it was great at first, but little by little she really started hating donuts.

But a housekeeper to housekeep my place? And cook my meals? I'd sign on to that in a nanosecond. THAT I would never get tired of!

You're still scheduled for Red Eye this Friday, Miss R? YESYESYESYESYES!!!

Rich said...

I love how you have a tag called "Highly Specific Scenarios Involving Ducks." Haha.

Prototype 3: Rise of the Machine said...

"HIGHLY SPECIFIC SCENARIOS INVOLVING DUCKS" - Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

I don't know how many times I read the word "duckings" in this post alone. Perhaps you should also consider taking part in a research study on the obsession with duckings?

Trapp said...

As I was on my way to the store today, I couldn't help but notice a sign on a pole with a phone number written beneath a word in big capital letters: PUPPIES

Naturally, I thought of you. No mention of ducklings, though.

EDinATL said...

fun post, cute.

Jaqob Jackson said...

What would the opposite of this kind of experiment look like?

Being exposed to watching the show Two And A Half Men all day and night??


The captcha for this comment is HEADOME. Like its HeadDome sharing a common d in the middle.