Thursday, March 12, 2009

On smelling like peppers

Earlier today I took a shower because I'm a go-getter and as soon as the water hit my skin, which is nubile and supple, by the way, everything began smelling intensely of bell peppers and my fear —that I've been walking around smelling like a pepper—was confirmed. "This is as I feared!" I yelled into the drain, as the heady and intoxicating elixir slid off my skin like so many burritos.

As I sit here typing this, smelling not of peppers but of the vacuum left behind when one's peppery perfume is robbed of them by a cold blast of ruthless water, I feel naked. I also feel like I have a headache. I do in fact have a headache, probably because I have my hair in rollers atop my head and the weight of the rollers is putting strain on my already overburdened brain.

But rollers aren't very heavy, you are likely thinking.

But see, I'm not using rollers, I'm using turnips.

Bet you thought I was going to say I was using peppers? You don't know me at all!

So how am I cooking these stinky fruits? And they are fruits technically according to wikipedia. If you're imagining that I'm preparing some kind of fancy thing with rice and beef and tomatoes and egg and bread crumbs and sesame seeds and basil and brown sugar and marjoram and margarine and sunflower seeds and figs and dates and oysters and tomato juice and stewed prunes and avocados and abogados (Spanish lawyers) and albodingas (Spanish soup) and elbows (elbows) and elbow macaroni and Terrytown, Pennsylvania (it just seemed to fit there) and Dracula (because Terrytown made me think of Transylvania) and lightbulbs (because Transylvania made me think of Sylvania) and the New York dolls (because Sylvania made me think of Sylvain Sylvain) and Patty Hearst (I'm no longer going to say what's making me think of what and you see if you can figure it out) and NewsCorp and uh oh, nothing else is coming to me.

Anyway, you're wrong so just hold it right there, Charley.

In fact, I just cut up the peppers and get rid of the seeds (I like to plant them in a trash can) and then microwave them. If what you're looking for is soft, mushy peppers that will stay on your skin for weeks, that's what you'll get. Then I eat them with ketchup, have sex with a blood relative and call it a night.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow!!! My brain hurts.

Prototype 3: Rise of the Machine said...

Rollers? But your hair is straight. Are you gonna go curly fries on us?

What kind of thought transitions are those?! You needs to check yo neurotransmitters and synapses at the door, girl! (or well, in this case, at your homepage!)

"Charley"? But it's me, Prototype!

Whatever happened to "Kelvin"? - a la "Who you trying to impress, Kelvin?"

Joe said...

So now that you've posted that, I'm seeing these ads (honest to God!):

---------------------------

RepHresh Clean Balance
Feminine Freshness Kit Eliminates odor for 3 days!

Fishy Smell Down There?
That Fishy Smell is Probably BV Here's How To Tell & What To Do…

---------------------------

If you see the second ad, click on it. I dare you. I double dog dare you.

Brett B said...

I read a long time ago that tomato sauce neutralizes odor. Just rub a little of that on ya. What's the worst thing that could happen? You could smell like a salad? Rub a little Catalina dressing on that supple skin... and... OH...hrmmm... excuse me.

Toddrod said...

Brett B.... if Alison smelled like a salad, maybe that could explain how she came up with the salad bar joke when she won the "funniest reporter in NYC" contest. That's soooo wrong!

Toddrod

WFG said...

Sylvania makes me think of Lauren Sivan, and possibly fear for her.