How I spent the flight

Greetings my little pecan loaves. Last night I took a red eye flight back to New York. Normally I take flights that arrive late at night and then I suffer something I've dubbed "traveler's melancholy" which is where I feel kind of lonely and overwhelmed with all my suitcases and thoughts. When I flew back from Canada last month the show put me on a super early flight which got me back in the morning and I realized I like arriving in daylight so I thought perhaps a red eye would be all kinds of awesome because I wouldn't have to haul ass to get to the airport in time and I'd arrive with the whole day stretching out before me. What I didn't quite take into account was how disoriented I would feel on the other side of the flight. But whereas the flight time from NYC to CA was a cruel seven hours, the time going the other direction was only four hours and twenty minutes or something like that and no, that's not a pot reference. Although I snacked like I was stoned. You know what's kind of healthy? The way JetBlue now offers hundred calorie packs of cookies. You know what's less healthy? Eating three of them and a bag of munchie mix. I suppose it's sort of balanced out by the way I only ate scrambled egg whites the day before because I was feeling kind of nauseous, if by balanced out you mean there goes all your hard work, fat ass. But anyway, would you like a breakdown of my activities in the air?

flight time: 4 hrs, 20 mins approx

flipped continuously through 36 channels of satellite TV: 4 hrs

worried that incessant channel surfing would annoy guy next to me: 2 mins

put on sleep mask and then took it off and then put it on and then took it off and then put it on and then took it off: 20 mins

debated snack options: 4 mins

picked through a bag of munchie mix looking for pretzels: 10 mins

ate a few cheetos from the bag. also, some doritos and sun chips: 8 mins

ate the whole damn bag which was NOT THE ORIGINAL PLAN: 6 mins

yes, I know I spent about 24 mins with that evil bag of munchie mix which I wish I'd never opened

tipped my head back and poured munchie dust down my throat: 2 mins

ripped bag open and rubbed it all over my body: 2 mins

smeared orange grease under my eyes and ran up and down the aisles screaming: 3 mins

tried to wipe orange shit off my hands but realized I didn't have a napkin: 1 min

remembered I had an old kleenex in my coat pocket: 1 min

fished around coat pocket but coat was around my legs like a blanket so finding pocket involved kind of feeling up guy next to me: 2 mins

explained to guy next to me that while it was fun, I don't want to be tied down right now: 3 mins

wondered why everything was all wet in the bathroom: 3 mins

slept: 17 mins, GIVE OR TAKE

slept like a log thru landing so that when I woke up the lights in the plane were on and people were standing up and I was confused: 3 mins

I'm not even adding all this up because I know it's more than the flight time. No wonder it felt so long!