Saturday, January 03, 2009

How I spent the flight

Greetings my little pecan loaves. Last night I took a red eye flight back to New York. Normally I take flights that arrive late at night and then I suffer something I've dubbed "traveler's melancholy" which is where I feel kind of lonely and overwhelmed with all my suitcases and thoughts. When I flew back from Canada last month the show put me on a super early flight which got me back in the morning and I realized I like arriving in daylight so I thought perhaps a red eye would be all kinds of awesome because I wouldn't have to haul ass to get to the airport in time and I'd arrive with the whole day stretching out before me. What I didn't quite take into account was how disoriented I would feel on the other side of the flight. But whereas the flight time from NYC to CA was a cruel seven hours, the time going the other direction was only four hours and twenty minutes or something like that and no, that's not a pot reference. Although I snacked like I was stoned. You know what's kind of healthy? The way JetBlue now offers hundred calorie packs of cookies. You know what's less healthy? Eating three of them and a bag of munchie mix. I suppose it's sort of balanced out by the way I only ate scrambled egg whites the day before because I was feeling kind of nauseous, if by balanced out you mean there goes all your hard work, fat ass. But anyway, would you like a breakdown of my activities in the air?

flight time: 4 hrs, 20 mins approx

flipped continuously through 36 channels of satellite TV: 4 hrs

worried that incessant channel surfing would annoy guy next to me: 2 mins

put on sleep mask and then took it off and then put it on and then took it off and then put it on and then took it off: 20 mins

debated snack options: 4 mins

picked through a bag of munchie mix looking for pretzels: 10 mins

ate a few cheetos from the bag. also, some doritos and sun chips: 8 mins

ate the whole damn bag which was NOT THE ORIGINAL PLAN: 6 mins

yes, I know I spent about 24 mins with that evil bag of munchie mix which I wish I'd never opened

tipped my head back and poured munchie dust down my throat: 2 mins

ripped bag open and rubbed it all over my body: 2 mins

smeared orange grease under my eyes and ran up and down the aisles screaming: 3 mins

tried to wipe orange shit off my hands but realized I didn't have a napkin: 1 min

remembered I had an old kleenex in my coat pocket: 1 min

fished around coat pocket but coat was around my legs like a blanket so finding pocket involved kind of feeling up guy next to me: 2 mins

explained to guy next to me that while it was fun, I don't want to be tied down right now: 3 mins

wondered why everything was all wet in the bathroom: 3 mins

slept: 17 mins, GIVE OR TAKE

slept like a log thru landing so that when I woke up the lights in the plane were on and people were standing up and I was confused: 3 mins

I'm not even adding all this up because I know it's more than the flight time. No wonder it felt so long!


RDML John H. Harris said...

You actually slept on a red-eye? Amazing! I've taken a couple of those (including one between Toronto and Cardiff) and I found I could never sleep... Of course, that last one had three plasma TVs shining right in my eyes, and no sleep mask, which could have had something to do with it.

Still, it looks like you enjoyed it. :)

Steve Spagnuolo said...

Wasn't there a movie called Red Eye that had that guy from 28 days later and Batman? I bet people ask you that question ever since becoming a regular for the show.............

Toddrod said...

In about 15 minutes, I am leaving for a drive to Yosemite. I'll let you know how the drive went. Looks like a good day for a drive though.


Kevin said...

You would be the coolest person to be stuck on a plane with for four hours and twenty minutes, which too was not a pot reference. I'm starting to believe that you're the coolest person ever.