Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Need a resolution?

If you're like me then you're already perfect so New Year's Eve proves troublesome when it comes to choosing a resolution. How can you fix what isn't broken? How can you improve on perfection? How do you solve a problem like Maria?

And yet you know someone is going to ask you about your resolution and you're going to have to come up with something. Below are some trusty standbys. Choose one or choose a few. Mix and match! Or don't. But if you need one in a pinch, here you go:

I resolve to:

stop biting my nails
start biting my nails
stop swearing in front of children
have some children and not swear in front of them
stop exposing myself to the neighbors
expose myself to the neighbors
stop eating my feelings
stop eating your feelings
stop doing drugs
only do fun drugs
stop setting fires

start journaling
start exercising
start living life to the fullest
start reading (i.e. learn how to read)
start not being such as asshole
start paying for stuff instead of just putting it in my pocket and running out of the store

lose ten pounds
lose the 'tude
lose my keys and find them in the outstretched hand of an attractive gentleman who caught them when I threw them at him really hard, accidentally
lose half my savings in a Ponzi scheme
lose my shirt in a poker game
lose my cool in a high pressure situation
lose the weave, girlfriend

talk to a physician
talk to a professional
talk to my boss
talk to the hand
leave a message at the wrist

send thank you notes
send warm wishes
send bills on time
send balls of yarn
send emails from the computer at home instead of while you're telling me a story which I'm pretending to listen to but really not because I'm sending email
send a letter it would get there faster

update my facebook status
update my marital status
update my style
update my steez
update my showering schedule
update my linked in page because I'm only 70% done

wash my makeup brushes
wash my dog
wash my hair
wash that man right out of my life (plus, send him on his way)
wash off the clown makeup
wash off the blood
wash off the meringue residue

write down all my brilliant ideas
write down computer passwords so I don't forget them
learn to juggle

change computer passwords because I wrote them down and lost the papers
change underwear
change my bad habits
change, be the


Prototype said...

"lose the weave, girlfriend" - Wow. This came out of nowhere.

Resolutions never work out. Either too much, or too unrealistic. So, sticking within the boundaries of being realistic, I'm just going to say that I should stop being so tolerant of others' stupidity and lash out at them more. Especially the people of Los Angeles. Or, stop being so nice and start being more of an ass. I'm tired of being a nice guy.

runmotman said...

i stopped making New Year's Resolutions years ago , after i found it was too hard to improve on perfection . Narf .

Joe said...

Alison, you're faster than green grass through a goose.

That's an example of my New Year's resolution! Yep, as of January 1 I'm going to start speaking like a southerner. So expect me to start using words like y'all and crawdad and bubba and viddles.

And y'all will start hearing me use phrases like, "Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo" and "You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog."

And I aim to go on about things and I'll be fixin' to do stuff. And I'll give two hoots and a holler and otherwise carry on.

So it'll be a good year, the Good Lord willing and the creek don't rise.

Now slap my head and call me silly!

annalytical said...

okay, i'd read a whole book of those. for reals.