Tuesday, July 08, 2008

An Open Letter To The Guy Who Lives In My Building And Only Appears When I Look Like Crap

Dear attractive gentleman who just moved into the building who only appears when I looks like crap,

So it seems we've met again just now. You were on your phone outside, wearing a tight-but-not-too-tight royal blue t-shirt that showed off your toned arms. I was wearing sweatpants, a gray t-shirt with stains on it and no bra. My hair was down and stringy and I wasn't wearing makeup. Perhaps you didn't recognize me from the last time we met, when the elevator opened on my floor and you were inside, wearing a natty suit and I was outside, holding two large smelly bags of garbage. I do own other clothes, but you wouldn't know it since you cease to exist when I wear anything other than sweatpants. In fact, you might be a figment of my sweatpants's imagination. I realize this is a leap, however there are plenty of times I've been wearing clothes that don't also see the inside of a gym, and plenty of times I've actually been wearing makeup or at least, say, showered that day, and where are you?

If I were younger and more up for an adventure I would have quickly come back to my apartment tonight, changed and slapped on makeup and then gone back downstairs and tried to play if off like I'm someone else. Perhaps I would have made a passing reference to my lookalike roommate who works weird hours fighting crime but who's gone undercover as a homebody. But I guarantee you wouldn't be there.

However I suspect that if I were to put on retainers you'd actually appear in my room, which would be awkward.

And that's why my teeth are slowly getting crooked.

(Bet that's not where you thought this was going!)



Toddrod said...

Aww! Is it true? Is this a change of heart? Alison wants some male hottie attention? I bet Alison could get this man. The funny thing is she can do it with the use of her sweatpants and lack of make-up. What real man is not attracted to that look? I swear Alison, I thought for sure you knew how to get a man's attention. All you need to do now is wear the same outfit, and then put your hair in pigtails, and then draw some freckles on your nose. Also, if you carry around a stuffed animal (or Tobey), you will have him begging to ask you out. Tell me how it goes!


Anonymous said...

Quote of the Hot Boy Dreams:

"It's not a coincidence of seeing you dress down every time you see me show up. I'm watching you more than your thinking about my every move. I like untailored women being casual. If you want to have a date with me, just come to my place. But your going to have to dress up like Grimace "The Purple Autistic Shortarms Mcdonald's Character" for the night because I have a special preference if you know what I mean.And for me, I will dress up as the Hamburglar to equalize the whole situation for you."

---Clyde "Charmingly Cool Tenant" Travis

Joe said...

Don't you realize how sexy women look when they're carrying out garbage? That's a huge turn on.

But seriously, it's funny how attractive women still look attractive even when their hair isn't done or they aren't wearing their best clothes. Sometimes women look their sexiest when their hair is tossled and they're just wearing a torn sweatshirt.

It's just my opinion, but I don't think guys like women who always look PERFECT. They like women who know how to mess it up a little, and can get down and dirty once in a while.

So here's my suggestion... the next time you see the guy, regardless of what you're wearing, just go over and plant a big, wet, sloppy on on him. Believe me, he'll be begging for more.

Rbastid said...

If you need to go to the corner of West 4th Street and 12th Street (The Nexus of the Universe) there will be a bottle, apply some to a rag, meet said man and do what you will. Effects should last about an hour, which time he can be tied to chair and you can rush in, dressed in a power suit and pigtails, to save him.

Either that or just ride the elevator all day while dressed up, I would say the same worked for me by standing around on the train platform, but after an hour I looked like a sweaty Dom DeLuise Sans the fat, and the beard, and the hat, ok So I was just a sweaty guy.

Ted from Accounting said...

Well, I knew this day would come (sadly)! Ok, I'm a big boy...I can take the fact that Alison has needs!

Get your groove on girl! I'll just have to hope our Italian super-model blogger "Anonymous" is still available!