Thursday, July 31, 2008

Caterpillar caviar

Not to be melodramatic, but there was very nearly a tragedy in my mouth tonight. I wasn't even going to share this story (although I kind of mentioned it on Wendy and my blog), because in the retelling I'll likely feel my whole body spasm in a kind of pre-upchuck reflex, however I feel you deserve to know. Warning: it's gross.

So there I was cutting into a head of cauliflower in the way I often do which is to cut the thing in half and then flip the halves over and cut off the green leaves from the bottom. I'm sure this isn't the fancy chef way but then I'm not a fancy chef, I'm just a gal trying not to eat caterpillars and their eggs. So I flip the thing over and I notice some weird amber-hued clusters of what looks like caviar. That's the thing that gets me about this whole story is just how much I'm an architect in my own near misfortune. I mean, I actually thought to myself that it looks like caviar which is to say it looks like eggs AND THEN I scooped up a blob on my finger and smeared it and it smeared in a way which made me think it wasn't eggs but was instead some kind of resin—like a plant's ear wax—or a mold or something and so I kept cutting and looking at it and thinking that the tiny little orbs were certainly rounder than anything that isn't living matter, so I was beginning to worry that really I was fooling myself because clearly I'm dealing with some kind of larvae so I was going to try to cut off the gross parts and I was cutting and throwing out lots of the cauliflower and then I saw this bright green thing in the heart of the cauliflower. At first I actually wondered if it wasn't part of the stalk but then I kept looking at it and it was clearly an insect—I was thinking a worm or centipede because apparently under stress I forget the word caterpillar—and so while I was freaking out and bagging up the cauliflower trash and taking it to the basement far far away from my apartment so no caterpillars can lay eggs in my eye sockets while I sleep I began thinking about jokes like "what's worse than finding half a worm in your apple"? Except I couldn't really think of a good punch line because I was too busy disassociating from my caterpillar egg compromised hand which I washed so many times I'm surprised it still has skin on it. But this hand is dead to me now—may I never touch my eyes, nose or mouth with it.

Except I think I already did.

Anyway, yeah. So that was my night.


todd said...

Ok Alison I've got to call you out here... cauliflower? Really? That's even more gross than caterpillar eggs. Have some raspberries or something.

Champagne wishes and caterpillar dreams...

Toddrod said...

Alison said, "there was very nearly a tragedy in my mouth tonight."

If I only had a quarter for every time I've heard a woman (and a couple men) say that.


Ted from Accounting said...

Well it is official now...Alison has "cooties!"

Ro Ro + larvae = Cooties

Anonymous said...

Quote of the grave cauliflower occurence:

"Remember that Veggie Tales article you did a while back making fun of us? We were the ones who placed that bug in your Cauliflower without your knowing. THis is our way of expressing our contempt for that publication to you ALisons Rosens...."

---Blessings from Bob Tomato and Larry The Cucumber

Joe said...

Yuck! Yeah, that will make you lose your appetite pretty quickly. But thankfully you caught it in time before any real damage was done.

There were a few times I swallowed bugs when I was running a lot. You're breathing so hard and if something flys in your mouth you sometimes end up swallowing it.

Has anyone else ever watched "Man vs. Wild" on the Discovery Channel? It's a show about how to survive in extreme conditions. The guy on there, Bear Grylls, grossed me out several times by doing and eating some really gross things. I mean really, really gross - so much so I stopped watching the show.

If you want to watch the segment that finally did it from me, here it is:

"There could be harmful bacteria in that water..." REALLY?