Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The very important and glamorous life I lead

I don't want you to get me wrong, because my life is a constant whirlwind of soirees and wingdings, I mean I'm really just floating from one fete to another, that is, when I'm not at very crucial conferences and business meetings where we discuss prospectuses (prospecti?) and where we munch on talking points dipped in idea jelly however I have been sitting here for an hour trying to find the motivation to take a shower and I can't find it. I think my butt and legs have actually become one with this computer chair. Maybe I'll just roll myself and my new chair shaped lower half into the shower, except that would involve maneuvering around the suitcase which is cutting off the egress and yess, I just used a big word on purpose and jesus motherfucking fuck must the phone ring all the time from people who don't leave a message? I think they are telemarketers. Anyway, back to how I'm not able to roll past my suitcase—I was reading this thing that said that when you move into a new apartment you should unpack the night you move in or else you're destined to live among boxes—I am a poignant and quite easy on the eyes illustration of this—but it's like, unpack your whole apartment? I can't even unpack my suitcase the night I get home. I used to be able to though. Back when I lived in an apartment that wasn't cluttered with unpacked crap. See how it's all connected? I bet if I lived in an apartment where everything was neat and tidy and in its place then I would unpack my suitcase right away and then I would already be showered. God, I gutter at what could have been. I shudder at what could have been? Instead here I am, beached on a computer chair in my own filth, dreaming of an orderly life and wondering if I should have made a joke about egrets up there. The birds. Oh and for those who are upset that I was only on Red Eye for 20 mins last night, thank you for your outpouring of vexation and I'll be on for the whole hour on May 1. Hopefully I will have showered by then.


Joe said...

The full hour on May 1? Thank goodness! People are still adding comments to the Angela McGlowan post on the AP. I don't remember another appearance on the show that got that much feedback so quickly.

Your telemarketer calls remind me of one night about a year ago. It was the middle of the night, I was half asleep in my bed, and I kept hearing my fax machine downstairs going on and off and on and off... over and over and over again.

Finally I got up and stumbled downstairs, cursing to beat the band. It turns out some idiot manufacturer in China was trying to fax their entire 50-odd-page catalog to me, and for some reason the phone line was disconnecting after each page - but their machine kept redialing to continue the transmission. %$O)@E@!*!!!!

So I unplugged the machine and quickly resumed a horizontal position in my bed.

Speaking of which - it's been a long day and I have a headache, so I'm going to lie down.

Tomorrow is Friday-eve, people!

SpiffyRaccoon said...

What's wrong with living in boxes? They are ideal, instead of cleaning them, you just recycle them and get a new one. Two refrigerator boxes is roughly equivalent to a 800 dollar a month apartment in some markets.

Refrigerator box on it's side=bed

Refrigerator box upright, with holes on top and a bucket of water=shower

Laundry Machine Box=Bathtub

Kleenex box(the tall ones)=toilet(one use only)
Kleenex box(the wide ones)=shoes

Donny Bohac said...

Who the fuck's decision was it to have that numbnuts Uwe Boll on over you? I'm guessing it was Greg's since he seems to like the guy so much.

It's probably for the best that you weren't on the whole hour last night because you really seemed perturbed by McGlowan's blind partisan loyalty. I'm sure there would have been a few bleeped out "jesus motherfucking fucks" and the show's producers would love nothing more than have its two attractive guests involved in a split-screened cat-fight for half the show.

Oh, and don't take offense to this, but your hair was huge last night.

Anonymous said...

yes... Donny is right... the hair was HUGE! I loved it! I should move to Texas.