Friday, April 25, 2008

See, I answer questions!

Over on The Activity Pit the question of whether I'm too snooty to answer their questions now that I'm all "Hollywood n'stuff" was posed, and the question was what I did on my California vacation. Here is my response:

I am totally too snooty to answer your questions however I'm having my personal assistant write this. She is typing and I'm standing over her shoulder shouting FASTER! FASTER! and if she doesn't speed up I'm probably going to have her shot, because her dilly-dallying doesn't please me, and when things don't please me, I've taken to having them shot. It's just a little thing I do now that absolute power has corrupted me absolutely. As for my vacation, it was a working vacation, so I woke up and enjoyed coffee on the veranda while idly asking my assistant to check my email. Then I napped for a few hours while having my already supple skin made suppler by a fleet of masseueueueusses (my assistant had trouble with that word). Then I went on a harbor cruise while being fanned with palm fronds shipped in from the gulf of, um, bornego. Perhaps you've heard of it? Well, it's very tiny and very exclusive so it doesn't surprise me that you haven't. One time I went there with five of my assistants and only four of us were allowed in so I had the extraneous person shot as is my way, as I've explained. In between all this I did stories for magazines including Page Six, Maxim and another one, and then I had all my internal organs rotated which is just something we LA folk are trying out. It's cool, but if you want to make yourself throw up, you have to stick your finger up your butt.

Oh my God, I am so sorry my assistant just wrote that. She is disgusting!

And I did kind of get a tan, but not on purpose, it was just from being outside.


Hugh said...

enjoyed that. please send me the number of your masssuesueses. i don't know who doesn't have trouble with that word.

Anonymous said...

Wow, if I had sex as often as the times you left comments in your Activity Pit Fan Club forum, well, not much would be different I suppose.