Sunday, February 22, 2009

More Oscar predictions

People will wear dresses. Especially the women.

Speeches? They'll run longish.

Someone will be in the bathroom when their name is called.

There will be talk of whether awards shows are appropriate in a recession.

Someone will claim that receiving this award is "humbling."

Those shoes are fantastic!

The people without whom it wouldn't have been possible will be thanked.

Except someone will forget to thank someone. Should person who forgets to do the thanking be married to the person who wasn't thanked, people will wonder whether there's marital discord.

There is. I'm sleeping with the person who wasn't thanked.

It was tremendous honor to begin an affair with that person.

That person was very brave and fearless.

I did it for all of you, the fans who made it possible for me to continue getting up in the morning and hiding in the bushes. Without you I never could have done it.

My kids are at home and I also did it for them.

Sadie? Elvin? This award is for you.

It's incredibly humbling to have won TWO awards and unfortunately I only prepared one speech, please excuse me while I recycle it.

Elvin? Sadie? This award is for you. Bushes? Thanks for hiding me.

Uh oh, they're telling me to exit the stage. Oh no, oh no, I think I'm forgetting someone. My wonderful agent Jim and his wonderful agent Ken and my wonderful producers and the people who make me look like this. My caterer Sam and my gardener Bill and my actuary Bob and my manicurist Cherise and my tailor Taylor and my cobbler Kevin and my hairstylist Ormond and my spiritual adviser Sally Brompton and my best friend and the best support any girl could have, ok fine, I'm leaving. Ok get your hands off me. I said--


Toddrod said...

Aren't you supposed to be on Geraldo? Would you even watch the Oscars if you were home with nothing to do? Actually, you should do vlogs of your thoughts as people win, or lose, or make faces.


Joe said...

My prediction: Someone will say, "You like me. You really like me!" Then they'll take some Boniva and be escorted off stage.

Trapp said...

Just once I'd like to see one of the non-recipients run onstage and cause a scene.

Or for someone to say, "I'm not thanking anyone. This was all me."

Christian said...

I'm with trap. Someone to truly show their feelings during this would be awesome. Someone who loses who just freaks the frack out would the best piece of TV ever! The winner of best Documentary who gets up there and does not pontificate about something no one gives a poop about I would pay to see.

Ah dreams...