Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I never learned how to pose

Last weekend I went out to dinner with a group of five girls and as is inevitable when you're dealing with those numbers, a camera was whipped out and everyone grouped together for a photo and instantly each girl pivoted and then jutted out a hip and bent a leg and then it came around to me, on the end, and I kind of thrust my mid-section toward the camera and then arched my back and then that felt wrong so I tried to pivot and undulate in another direction, as if negotiating an invisible limbo stick, and then I just gave up and smiled while my arms hung limply at my sides and my body was inclined in whatever direction is the least flattering.

You see, tragically, I never learned to pose. Somewhere I made it to the ripe old age of [but age is really just a number, now isn't it] without learning how to do that hip-jutting leg lifted hand-on-hip thing that every other woman who wants to appear svelte and sassy learned. It's as if I've never been to a bachelorette or grad night party! Am I not saucy?

So I repaired to the mirror and parked it there until I could figure out how to do it. I think I may have thrown my back out and at times I looked like a reject from a Fosse production, but should a red carpet unroll in front of me, or five girls and a camera, I'm ready.

The last time I spent that much time in front of a mirror trying to teach myself how to do something was when I was determined to learn how to raise one eyebrow. It's one of my signature awesome-yet-weird things I can do with my body. I can also wiggle my ears. And I have a very squishy nose. Okay, those might be the only awesome-yet-weird things I can do.

Oh, duh, I can make myself burp! Took me till I got to college to find someone willing to really spend the time to show me how. Other people were always like "oh it's easy, just swallow some air and then do this [burping]" but it's really not that simple at all.

Also, I forgot to watch or record Hell's Kitchen last night. I'm very very upset with myself about this.


Rbastid said...

You never learned at a young age how to burp? How sad. My grandmother taught me at like 5 how to do it, wait thats even sadder that my grandmother taught me to burp.

Hell's kitchen needs more spice, they need to start having them cook like cows like a Hell's Kitchen / Iron Chef cross over. Or they can just cook Bobby Flay

Toddrod said...

This reminded me of my maternal grandmother. She was quite a beautiful woman in her younger days, and she ALWAYS posed when taking a picture. Even as she became an mature woman she still posed for pictures well into her 80s. Alison, if you can't figure out how to pose, I think you need to seek out assistance from one of your insiders.


Joe said...

I seem to recall a post where you mentioned trying to learn how to high-kick like a Rockette while watching yourself in hotel bathroom mirrors. Maybe that was on Tumblr.

So instead of posing, just do a few high kicks. Jaws will drop and you'll be the center of attention. All the guys in the restaurant will want to be with you, because men absolutely love women who can high kick.

Just make sure your shoe doesn't go flying across the room and land in someone's soup!

Brett said...

I heard you were a world class Rump Shaker.