Sunday, May 11, 2008

At the gym; menopause

Greeting my little fuzzy dice. I'm here at the gym thinking that I've been able to bear children for twenty years now and I would have made a damn good mother at thirteen so just save it if that's what you were thinking. I was very mature for my age. I'd already read almost all the Sweet Valley High books and some of the Sweet Valley University ones. I couldn't even get into the Sweet Valley junior high ones, that's how mature I was. So but if you think about it, I could already be a grandmother. And thanks a lot for calling me today, kids. I swear, you give them life and what's your thanks? A macaroni wreath and a bookmark that says number one grandma? Actually, I'm so young at heart I told the girls that I don't feel like a grandmother yet so just call me Bertie. I feel like a Bertie.

Anyway, on this, my birthday, I've been thinking that it may be time to reinvent myself. I mean, not the actual me, I'm perfect as is, but the way I am referred to on tv because no matter what they label me as it just doesn't seem right. I'm a writer for magazines but I think that suggests something slightly other than what I provide on tv. Comedian is really closest to what I do on red eye, but I don't perform standup. Hrm. Anyway, which do you think sounds best (but I'm thinking for other shows, not red eye where I don't think it matters at this point since everyone knows me)

Writer and pop culture expert

Writer and pop culture and political analyst who is also funny

Tiny dancer

Smooth criminal

Blogger and tv commentator who also is a journalist

Of course I'm joking about most of these sadly. Am I giving up on this blog post? I am. I am sweaty and have no follow through. Maybe it's menopause. Oh goody!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

13 comments:

Ted from Accounting said...

Haven't read this post yet but for the third time in as many days, I'm wishing you a super duper Happy Birthday! You bring a lot of fun and happiness to your fans and we hope you have a great day and your mom as well!

Toddrod said...

Happy Birthday Tiny Dancer!

Oh wait, don't use that cuz I think it was a dog on the Simpsons. I've always considered you a Television Historian just because of your special knowledge of the 'Facts of Life' sitcom. Your level of expertise is right up there with some of the other great television historians (whose names all escape me at this moment) of our period. Did I say Happy Birthday to you, Alison? I wonder how many times you've shared your birthday with Mothers Day? You probably would make a good mom. You could actually have your kids with you while you work (unless you were watching a late night HBO mini-series).

Toddrod

todd said...

Simply put; Happy Birthday!

Joe said...

Hmmmmm.. Entertainment Writer and Commentator? Pop Culture Writer and Commentator?

But what you really need is a snappy nickname that people will remember. Like James Carville is called the Ragin' Cajun, and everyone who follows politics knows him by that name.

Ragin' Rosen?

I'll have to give that some thought...

Don Allen said...

You're not a comedian, Alison. Don't demean yourself to being among the likes of Doug Benson, for Christ's sake. 98% of the comedians out there aren't even funny, (that's an actual statistic, too) as Red Eye proves almost nightly.

You're funny, but it's because of your wit, not your ability to tell scripted jokes. It also doesn't hurt that you're so damn adorable that the impact of anything you say that's remotely crude is magnified because of the unexpectedness of it.

You're more of a "Pop Satirist" than anything, but I'd shoot for "Professional Smartass" if they'll allow that--unlikely.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, Alison!
11:55 my time
-Chris M.

Anonymous said...

Quote of the belated Birhtday:

"Since you're a Grandma Alison, can I divorce my wife and marry you now ?"


-----Nick Cannon

Ted from Accounting said...

Ok, I just read this post and I think you should refer to yourself as either an

Entertainment Insider

Celebrity Culture Expert

Blackberry Blogger

or

Red Eye Goddess

makeba said...

tales of the 30-something person. trying to re-invent things (like its going to help). I know the feel, i'll b 37 this summer (damn )
anyhoo, enjoy it, have a martini on me. and, if you want to test the waters...go to an improv on ametuer night and give it a shot. i think you'll b fine (dont quit your night job)
besos!

Jay Bee said...

Hey Ali... I think you're great and all (great meaning box), but it's really gay when people keep the "Sent From My..." iphone, blackberry, ahole, whatever in their 'mobile device messages'.

Please remove your's. And show me you have done so.

bi!

Jay Bee

Alayna said...

Half of your blog audience comes from South Park. Happy Birdday!

alison said...

Thanks for the tip!

This message sent by Verizon Wireless Device

Okay fine, actually you have a point since I'm not shilling for Verizon here, but lest I go in and manually remove them, they're going to stay on the posts that I actually send from my BlackBerry. You know? Unless there's some way to get that thing automatically turned off. Is there?

Jay Bee said...

FAlison -

If there is "some way" to turn off the signature, then would it really happen "automatically"?

I'm not an expert on Blackberries as I don't tend to hang around gaymen and those few women who dare to be around me are quite careful to not display valuables.

But, I did a search thingy and found some gimp saying the following... not sure if it applies to your (presumably lower end/cheap) model of Blackberry:

"You won't be able to edit the signature from directly on the BlackBerry (unless you are on a BES). You need to actually log in to your BlackBerry Internet Service account and take out the signature."

I'm here to help, dear. Come visit Minneapolis soon! We can booze it up and see some crappy bands.

jbbauer612@gmail.com