this ball is dogmatic

In honor of my being 30--the only benefit of which I've noticed thus far being that I can blithely refer to "my twenties"--I decided to turn once more for guidance to the sticky black orb sitting on my kitchen counter near piles of stupid mail. Did I explain that the ball is sticky? It is. It's a strange kind of only-in-new-york grime. Maybe it's more tacky than sticky. I mean, it's tacky, but you know. Maybe it's some kind of prophetic slime. Anyone touched a soothsayer? Are they sticky?

Q: should I?
A: It is decidedly so

Q: will I?
A: It is certain

Hm.